


because (& other words we use too much)

by readerbeware



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cliche ending, Comfort, Dan Howell/Phil Lester Comfort, Dissociation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gaslighting, Happy Ending, Hospitalization, Hurt Phil Lester, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Sorry, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Jealousy, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Overuse of italics, Phil Needs a Hug, Phil centric, Physical Abuse, Protective Dan Howell, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sappy Ending, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, This is really triggering, there really is a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-08-13 15:44:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 20
Words: 37,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20176765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/readerbeware/pseuds/readerbeware
Summary: Phil's boyfriend is taking him apart, piece by piece. Because that's how he says I love you.Phil lets him because I love you sounds foreign to his ears anyway.Dan watches from the sidelines because he hasn't found the right words yet.:.:.:.:.:.:.:Or: Phil Lester looks for love in all the wrong places.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> This is a rough one, guys. Honestly I'm just using this as therapy for my own shit, but whatever. Thanks for reading. I'll post the chapter triggers in the notes, so keep an eye out.

“Phil Lester, tell me you did _not _eat all the cereal _again!” _Dan’s shrill voice cuts through Phil’s walls mere moments before Dan himself swings Phil’s bedroom door open, holding what must be a suspiciously light box of Crunchy Nut cereal. His eyes are comically wide, as is his stance, and he throws the box straight at Phil’s head. It bounces to the floor without any real consequence. “That’s my breakfast, you absolute spoon!”

Phil rolls his eyes without malice; Dan has always had a flare for the dramatics. “It’s two in the afternoon! Hardly time for breakfast,” he snaps back, but he does feel the slightest bit guilty about the cereal. 

“Who are you to dictate when I eat breakfast? Besides, maybe if you hadn’t kept me up all night, I would have gotten up earlier. ‘Oh, Dan, let’s play one more round. I just want to win once. Oh, Dan, you’re my only friend!’” Dan’s stepped closer now, using his pointer finger to prod impishly at Phil’s shoulder.

“Oi! Shut it!” Phil grabs Dan’s wrist and tugs, sending the younger man sprawling across Phil’s bed, and the two collapse in giggles like they’re teenagers again, wrestling and shoving each other with gentle hands. It’s times like this that Phil is struck by how lucky he is to have Dan. How many people find a best friend that they can spend literally _every day _with and not get tired of their very existence?

___

Of course, Phil is the one who leaves to get more cereal. Dan offers to tag along, but his heart’s not in it, and Phil is most definitely the one who ate it all anyways. It`s the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, so Tesco is fairly quiet, and Phil doesn`t have to worry about bumping into someone he may know. He beelines for the cereal aisle, eager to get what he came for and get out, but he can`t seem to find the beloved Crunchy Nut anywhere on the shelf. He can imagine Dan`s face if he doesn`t come home with the right stuff. There will be _hell _to pay.

“Excuse me,” he asks someone in a vest, assuming that they probably work in the store. Unless they just really like vests. The someone turns around, and Phil is struck by how attractive they are. He’s at least Phil’s height, which is a feat in itself, and he’s got curly blond hair that just gently brushes his forehead in a way that-

“Yeah?” The guy asks, and Phil has to actually force his mouth to work again. _God, get it together, Lester,_ he thinks. _Has it really been so long that you’re lusting after a clerk at Tesco?_

“Is this all the cereal you have? Sorry, I mean I don’t want to be one of those people who are always like, ‘can you check in the back?’ but I ate all my housemate’s cereal, and I promised him I’d get more, but you don’t seem to have any of it in stock. And I would honestly feel horrible if I-”

“-Listen, man. It’s no problem. What brand are you looking for?” Tesco guy is smiling now, despite all the floundering, and Phil’s face must be _so _red, judging by the way it’s all heated up. In the end, they don’t have any more boxes of Crunchy Nut, but Tesco guy helps him place a delivery order online so that some will literally get brought to their flat. Phil makes a mental note to never tell Dan about that fun little feature, because he’s pretty sure the other man would literally never leave home again.

“You’re literally the most helpful person I’ve ever met,” Phil gushes before he can stop himself, and _wow, _he did not think that it was possible for his face to get even warmer.

Tesco guy smiles again with his row of annoyingly white teeth. “I have to admit, I may have some ulterior motives. That housemate of yours, is that all he is? A housemate?”

“I’m not sure what you mean,” Phil says slowly. Tesco guy sounds oddly suggestive right now, but Phil is trying really hard to not get his hopes up. There’s no way this absolutely stunning guy is trying to make a move on him in the middle of the supermarket.

“Is he your boyfriend? God, I’m sorry. That sounded really blunt. I promise I don’t normally do this. You’re just… well, you’re very fit, and it kind of seemed like you were maybe into me a little, and I’m sorry, but… is he your boyfriend?”

Phil nearly chokes on his own tongue. “Who, Dan? Absolutely not,” he says it so quickly through a mouth full of spit that he can only hope Tesco guy understood any of it.

“But you would be interested in that. In having a boyfriend, I mean.”

“Oh. Gay.” Tesco guy’s brilliant green eyes go so wide that Phil nearly cries from embarrassment. “Fuck! Oh, sorry. Oh my God. I mean, yes. I’m gay,” he stutters, sure he’s going to faint right in the middle of the cereal aisle, right in front of this totally hot guy that he’s surely ruined his chances with. But a smile slowly inches its way across Tesco guy’s face before he full out guffaws, throwing his head back with uncontained mirth.

“Good,” he chuckles, “in that case, can I put my number in your phone? That way, you don’t have to actually contact me if you want to brush me off as, like, a weird stalker.” Phil laughs too, and he hands over his phone. When their hands brush, Phil feels little electric sparks that tingle all the way down to his toes. “Well, I really should get back to work. Please, call me! Or text. It’ll give me something to look forward to.”

___

On the walk back home, Phil waits approximately two minutes before opening up his phone. Tesco guy has saved his number under “Tyler”, and he’s put a little heart emoji beside the name. It makes Phil’s actual heart flutter, and he might seem desperate for sending a text right away, but he kind of _is _desperate.

** _020 7946 0323: Hi there, Tyler. It’s nice that I can stop calling you _ ** **Tesco Guy _in my internal monologues now. _**

He shuts his phone off instead of staring at the conversation, his stomach bursting with nervous energy. Biting his lips, Phil feels like he’s in high school again, wanting to ask a boy out, but too scared to come out. His phone chimes as he gets through the door, but it’s just one of those automated Facebook alerts notifying him of a birthday what he really doesn’t care about. Dan’s moulded with the couch cushion when he walks into the lounge. “One of these days, you’re going to go through metamorphosis and truly become one with our sofa,” Phil says, dropping down beside him. Their arms press together as Phil leans in to get a glimpse of Dan’s dash as he scrolls through Tumblr.

“Where’s the stuff, Lester.”

Phil shoves his face into Dan’s shoulder. “Dan, my best friend in the whole world. My reason for existing. My sun and moon and all my stars. My knight in shining armour. They did not have any.”

“So, you left me alone here for a full hour after eating the only thing I know how to cook, and you don’t even bring back the one thing you went to buy? I could have starved, Phil. Starved. I still might,” he laments, pushing Phil’s forehead away with the palm of his hand.

“Oh, don’t be such a baby. I’ll make some pasta, but only if you cut up the veggies for the sauce. It’s got to be a team effort. Besides, all is not lost. I think old Philly may have found himself a date,” Phil says excitedly. Dan doesn’t say anything. In fact, the only indication that he heard Phil is that he is no longer scrolling on his laptop, just hovering his hands over the keys. Phil’s heart drops a little, worried that something he’s said has upset his flatmate. Could he really be that upset over the cereal that he couldn’t even be happy for Phil? “Dan,” he says, “you alright?”

Clearing his throat, Dan turns with a startled smile. “Sorry! I was just – um. I was caught by surprise, I guess. You met someone? Just now?”

“Yeah! He’s a clerk, and he was actually the one who helped me look for the cereal!”

“Well, he must not be very good at his job considering you came home empty handed.”

Phil laughs at the joke even though he’s not quite sure Dan meant it do be one. The silence that follows makes Phil feel more awkward around Dan than he has in years. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m feeling peachy, Phil. It’s just that I didn’t know you were looking for someone.”

“I wasn’t, really. You know how busy we are. And it’s honestly not often that people flirt with me in real life.”

“I flirt with you all the time!” Dan says, and this time it’s definitely a joke, so Phil definitely laughs.

“You know what I mean.” There’s that silence again. “I’m really excited about this, Dan. Could you just talk to me? Why are you upset?”

“I’m not upset,” Dan says quickly, his eyes not leaving the screen, “I’m just a little confused. Since when do you pick people up off the street?”

“I didn’t ‘pick him off the street’. He was nice, and frankly, _insanely _hot, and when he asked to give me his number, I gave it to him before he could change his mind.”

“Hey, don’t be like that. I’m sorry. I happen to know that you are _also_ nice and ‘insanely hot’. And I am happy for you. Let’s just start on dinner.”

___

** _Tyler: Hey yourself, hot stuff. My shift just ended. _ **

** _020 7946 0323: How was it?_ **

** _Tyler: Boring. Normal. _ **

** _Tyler: Well, now that you know my name, I think it’s only fair that I know yours._ **

** _020 7946 0323: It’s Phil :P_ **

** _Tyler: I guess now I can stop calling you _ ** **hot stuff _in my internal monologues now._**

** _Phil: lol I guess so!_ **

** _Tyler: I’m going to cut to the chase. I think you are really cute. When are you free?_ **

** _Phil: At the risk of sounding like a loser, I’m free most of the time. I promise I have a job!_ **

** _Tyler: Haha, I look forward to hearing all about it on… Saturday? At ten? Starbucks?_ **

** _Phil: Oh_ **

** _Phil: Yes, please._ **

** _____ **


	2. II

Saturday literally could not have come fast enough. For the rest of the week, Phil had been glued to his phone, either texting Tyler or reading back through old messages while Tyler was at work. He’d learned that Ty, as Phil has taken to calling him, is thirty-one years old, is actually a _manager _at Tesco, and lives by himself. He loves dogs, has an older brother named Derek, and is extremely close with his mother. Every moment he spends talking with Tyler is like a breath of fresh air. He’s almost reminded of how he felt when talking to Dan back in 2009, in the way that they have this instant connection.

The Saturday date goes crazy well. Amazingly, Dan doesn’t even bring it up again, even though Phil did catch him rolling his eyes when he caught a glimpse of Phil’s phone screen. Tyler buys him a coffee, and it gets cold because they’re talking way too much for Phil to even consider drinking it, but it’s totally worth it because they also play footsie under the table. On the way out of the Starbucks, Tyler holds the door open and links their pinkies. He even walks Phil back to his flat, and another Saturday date is scheduled, but this time it’s for Monday because Ty says he doesn’t want to wait a whole week.

“So how was it? Is he a weirdo? I bet he’s a weirdo.” Dan pipes up from the couch the moment the front door closes.

Phil giggles. “It was wonderful, actually. And shut up! Our walls aren’t that thin, and I don’t want him to hear you.”

“He’s _here?_”

“No, oh my God. He just walked me home.”

“He _walked you home?_”

“What is with you? So many questions,” Phil calls from the entrance, hanging up his coat. “We’re going out again on Monday.”

“Isn’t that a little fast?” Dan asks, but he’s at least making a little effort to sound interested this time around.

“Maybe, but I feel like I’ve never connected this well with anyone. Does that sound crazy?”

Dan’s face falls completely. “No one?” He sounds so put-out, and Phil is totally going to assure him that that is _not _what he meant, and Dan is still his best friend when – _ding! _

** _Tyler: I had such a great time. How has someone not snatched you up yet?_ **

Phil blushes and turns away from the lounge area, fingers tapping swiftly across the screen.

** _Phil: Not that many people knocking on my door. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not the most socially adept person around._ **

** _Tyler: I think it’s cute. And I like that I don’t have much competition._ **

___

Two dates turn into three, and then five, and then twelve, and then they’re practically going out whenever Tyler is free. And when they’re not together, they’re texting. At this point, Phil is completely head-over-heels for this guy. Even though they both know Phil is practically loaded, Ty still buys the food _every time. _He also buys little gifts when he gets the chance, and it isn’t long before Phil’s top shelf is filled with stuffed animals and boxes of chocolate that he splits with Dan because he feels bad about blowing him off so many times. He just doesn’t want to lose Tyler, and he’s worried that if he rejects the older man, he might get dumped.

**_Tyler: Just finished @ work. You free?_**

Phil bites his lip, looking over at where Dan is lounging on the edge of his bed.

** _Phil: I’m kinda hanging out with Dan right now. He’s not too pleased that I pretty much ditched him all last week._ **

** _Tyler: It’s not really ditching if it’s for your boyfriend_ **

Boyfriend. It’s not the first time the word has come up, but it still makes Phil’s insides do a little flip.

** _Phil: I still feel bad._ **

** _Tyler: k np_ **

** _Phil: You could come over here? Stay the night?_ **

**Read at 3:07 PM**

The lack of response makes him a little nervous. Tyler is yet to come to the flat, which means he hasn’t met Dan yet, seeing as the brunette rarely leaves the house. They’re possibly the two most important men in Phil’s life at the moment, and he thinks they would really get along. The only thing is that Dan tends to be a bit possessive, to the point where they had tried to have another housemate back in 2013 and Dan had been so outright hostile that the guy had moved out in about a week. It had resulted in one of the biggest fights they’d ever had. He sees the typing bubble pop up and go away about four different times.

** _Tyler: Sure_ **

“Get up!” Phil cries, pulling on his bedsheets until an unsuspecting Dan topples onto the floor.

“Ow, what the fuck?” he glares while Phil shoves his glasses on.

“Tyler is coming over and I have to clean this place up. Please help. I love you.”

Dan scoffs, using Phil to pull himself up. “I thought we were hanging out.”

“We are! He wanted to see me and I wanted to take this opportunity for him to meet you. If I’m going to have a boyfriend, it’s kind of important that he makes a good impression on you. Or else I don’t want him,” Phil says, already shoving some dirty socks into his wash basket.

“So, what if I don’t like him?” Dan quips, but he’s already making Phil’s bed.

“Then he’s gone. Sayonara!”

___

“So, Dan. What do you do for a living?” The vibe in the lounge is making Phil very uncomfortable, to say the least. Tyler had sat right in Dan’s sofa crease directly after declining Dan’s olive-branch offer of ribena.

“Same as Phil. We have a joint channel, actually. Kinda weird that you’ve never seen it since you guys are supposed to be dating, or whatever.”

“_Dan!” _Phil hisses, his eyes flicking between the two men desperately.

Luckily, Tyler laughs, but it sounds a little strained. “It’s okay, Phil. He’s just putting on the brother act, aren’t you, Dan?” He doesn’t wait for a response before continuing. “Besides, I should probably watch some of your videos. It sounds like you guys take it pretty seriously.”

Dan still looks peeved, for whatever reason, so Phil changes the subject. “Tyler was instrumental in ordering your cereal, Dan.” He pats Ty’s knee but removed his hand when Dan’s eyes zero in on the contact.

“Well I wouldn’t have needed more if you hadn’t eaten it all in the first place.”

“You probably shouldn’t eat your housemate’s food without permission, Phil,” Tyler says, the corners of his mouth twitching in disapproval.

Dan actually grins at this. “Finally! Maybe you can put a stop to him. He’s a menace.” From then on, things become a lot less forced. Phil orders pizza, and he makes sure it’s Dan’s favourite so he can’t find anything to complain about, which he doesn’t, not even when Ty pays for it all. Dan even lets Ty pick the movie, shrugging at Phil’s raised eyebrows when they make eye contact. With his head rested on Ty’s shoulder, Phil feels warm inside.

___

At the click of the bedroom door, Ty lightly pushes Phil up against the wood, his mouth hot and wanting. Ty’s kisses feel like fire as he mouths along Phil’s slack jaw, his hands teasing Phil’s hips and the hem of his shirt.

“Not right now,” Phil gasps, his mouth feeling incredibly dry as pangs of want shoot through to his stomach. His hands tangle in Ty’s blonde hair, but he’s pushing the man’s head further into his own neck instead of pulling it away. “I don’t want Dan to hear.”

“Come on,” Ty pants right into Phil’s ear. The warm air makes the hair stand up on Phil’s arms. “I did buy dinner tonight. You owe me.” He palms Phil’s crotch roughly, and Phil throws his head back, moaning even as it smacks into the doorframe. “I thought you didn’t want Dan to hear,” he teases before dragging Phil’s bottom lip between his teeth, slow and sensual. Ty is everywhere: his hands are on Phil’s hips, his tongue is in Phil’s mouth, and his hair is between Phil’s shaking fingertips.

“Fuck it,” Phil groans, tilting his hips forward so that his groin makes delicious contact with Tyler’s. The older man pulls him forward until they’re sprawling across Phil’s bed, and Ty rolls them so that he’s pressing Phil into the mattress, every inch of their bodies pressed together. He smells like mint and something – something else that Phil can’t quite place. Phil thinks he hears shuffling outside his door, bringing him back to the reality that there is most definitely another person home, another person who most definitely does not need to know what is happening at this precise moment. He places his hands against Ty’s chest, preparing to gently push him off, but Ty grabs his jaw, silencing him. He digs his thumb into Phil’s cheek and eliminates the remaining space between their bodies, his kiss bordering on impatient and rough. Phil relaxes into it, even though he _really _doesn’t want Dan to hear them, because Ty has been really cool about this whole night, and Phil _really _wants to impress him.

Ty’s removed his shirt, so Phil traces his hands over his stomach and chest, hooking his legs around Ty’s waist and rolling his hips a couple times for good measure. Maybe he doesn’t feel quite as into it as he did before, since he can now definitively hear Dan moving around outside, but Ty is fiddling with the button of Phil’s skinnies as his stubble scratches along Phil’s neck. He wiggles out of the tight jeans, taking his pants with him as well because _why not? _Ty runs his big hands along Phil’s thighs, dangerously close to his hardening cock. Phil whines a little in the back of his throat.

“Maybe… Uhm… Oh my God. Maybe we shouldn’t go all the way tonight. I can… Holy shh – I can suck you off, if you’d like?” Phil gets out. He can’t believe half the things he says to Tyler, but in all fairness, this is one of the most serious boyfriends he’s had in a lot of years. He’s by no means a virgin, but things have been slow since YouTube had picked up, considering he’s had to be more careful with his public image.

Ty doesn’t respond for a moment. He sucks a bruise onto Phil’s hip until he’s bucking up involuntarily before asking, “You don’t want me?”

“N – No,” Phil stutters, “I do! I just feel weird that-“

“-then what’s the problem? Dan’s an adult. He can put on some of that emo shit that I’m sure he likes. It’ll drown us out. Besides, this is kinda what boyfriends do, Phil.”

Doubt clouds Phil’s vision, but Ty’s kisses are growing impatient again, and he’s using that _word_ again. Phil takes one deep breath, steeling his nerves, and gives in.

___


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some yelling in this and some broken glass idk. read on.

Dan doesn’t get up until he’s sure that Tyler’s gone back to wherever he came from. Phil definitely notices, and Dan feels a little bad, but even just looking at the guy kind of hurt a little bit. Talking to him, seeing him and Phil kiss when they though he was busy watching the movie, it all made Dan want to cut his own hands off. It felt like Phil had reached into his chest and twisted everything around until he found his heart. And worst of all, he had no fucking idea he was doing it.

Still, Phil looks so painfully earnest when Dan goes out to the kitchen for some water, and Dan’s not a monster, so he just says, “Yeah. He’s an alright guy.” It would have been so easy to tell the truth. Well, maybe not the whole truth, but at least the fact that he didn’t want Phil dating the guy. Even though Tyler hadn’t done anything wrong. He was actually kind of cool, and Phil did look pretty happy. Dan wants his best friend to be happy, he really does, but is it too much to ask that he be happy with Dan? But it’s not Phil nor Tyler’s fault that Dan’s a fucking coward who couldn’t get his shit together in time to tell Phil how he feels.

“Yeah?” Phil asks with a grin that’s just so handsomely boyish. And he’s found Dan’s heart, and he’s twisting his hand around, and he’s smiling brilliantly while he’s squeezing even tighter. “It looked like you were having fun last night.”

“It looks like you were too,” Dan says semi-playfully, stepping closer to Phil to get a good look at the massive fucking hickey that’s decorating the side of his pale neck. He gently tilts Phil’s head to the side and traces his stupid trembling fingers over the purple bruise under the guise of worry, when all he’s really doing is looking for an excuse to touch the other man’s skin. He pretends that the hitch in Phil’s breath and the rosy blush that spreads over his cheekbones are products of something other than embarrassment.

Phil laughs a little too loudly, pulling away so quickly that Dan’s hand is left kind of awkwardly hovering in empty space. He shoves it in his pocket and clears his throat. “Ty got a little carried away. We didn’t wake you, did we?”

Jealousy settles uncomfortably in the pit of Dan’s stomach. It’s not like he didn’t know where the damn hickey came from, but hearing it out loud is still really shit. He forces himself to grin at Phil, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively in an attempt to keep the mood light. “So, now that Tyler’s been over here, does this mean you’re gonna stop abandoning your poor best friend so much?” If Tyler coming over to their place meant that Dan could see more of Phil than he had been in the last weeks, then Dan could deal with Phil’s arm being wedged inside his fucking ribcage. Because these last few weeks, Phil had been suspiciously absent from the flat. Regardless of Dan’s best efforts, Phil’s always out with Ty, or he’s at Ty’s house. It sucks, feeling like Phil’s second choice, and Dan hasn’t felt like this for the entire time he’s known the guy. He can’t say any of this out loud, though, other than a throwaway comment about being disappointed that Phil’s gone and forgotten about movie night, or whatever.

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic. But, yeah, it would be nice to be able to hang out with both of you at the same time.”

“I could get behind that.” Dan gently takes Phil’s glasses off to clean them with his shirt. Phil smiles, his eyes crinkling in the way that means he’s extremely pleased. “I miss you,” Dan says, but it comes out sounding like I love you.

“I really like him, Dan.” Phil’s suddenly very serious. Dan swiftly replaces Phil’s glasses, accidentally brushing the back of his hand over Phil’s cheek but dropping his hand like the touch had burned him. Phil’s dropped Dan’s heart to the ground now, and they’re standing together in the pool of blood as it spreads into the grooves of the floor.  
____

Phil: it looks like you got the Dan approval!!  
Tyler: does that matter lol  
Phil: ???  
Tyler: sorry but he was being a major bitch last night when i didn’t even do anything  
Phil: He’s just protective. He’s my best friend  
Tyler: is that all  
Phil: What is that supposed to mean?  
Read at 12:16 PM  
Phil: Tyler?  
Read at 12:18 PM

_____

Phil sighs as he checks his notifications again from his spot on the sofa. Tyler hadn’t responded to any of his texts since his cryptic messages the day before, despite having read all of them. He’s being ignored, but he’s not quite sure what he’s done to deserve it. Maybe Dan was a little rude the night before, but two had seemingly bonded, and Tyler had acted perfectly pleasant in the morning before he left for work. Another hour goes by of hopelessly trying to edit a new video before Phil hears someone ringing the bell. He doesn’t remember ordering anything, so he hopes that Dan will get the post, considering it’s probably his stuff, but he doesn’t hear any movement from inside the flat.

“Dan, if I have to bring up your post again, I’m going to lose it!” Phil calls as he makes his way to the door. Phil heaves the door open, ready to sign for something that neither of them would need, but is shocked when he’s met by beautiful green eyes. “Tyler!” he exclaims, suddenly aware of how horrible he must look. Phil desperately tries to smooth his bed hair and adjusts the collar of his shirt. Ty smiles tentatively, and he’s got a bouquet of flowers in his hand so pretty that Phil is smiling too.

“Babe… I’m so sorry for ghosting you yesterday. I feel terrible. Can I come in?”

“Can you… Absolutely!” He’s still distracted by Ty’s eyes and Ty’s flowers, so they just stand there for a while, gazing at each other, before Phil realizes that he has so move out of the way of the doorway. “Oh! Jesus! Sorry, come on in,” he says, opening in the door wide enough for the older man to step inside.

Ty sits awkwardly on the sofa while Phil flits nervously around, looking for a vase for the flowers and getting Ty something to drink. “I hate fighting with you,” he says finally.

“Well, we’ve already been seeing each other for over month and this is our first one, so…” Phil jokes, coming out from the kitchen, but Ty stays quiet, so Phil assumes he isn’t in the funny mood.

“Let’s never fight again,” Tyler suggests.

“It’s not that I don’t agree with you. It’s just that I’m not sure why we were fighting in the first place?” Ty actually laughs, and it sounds a little mean. Phil’s a tad confused by the change in mood. He crosses his arms anyways, not one to back down from a fight.

“Are you serious? Were you even around that night? Your housemate was being an ass, and you weren’t even bothering to tell him off!”

“Why are you getting upset right now? Dan maybe wasn’t at his best, but you said it yourself, he was just putting on a brother act!”

“Right. Brother,” he scoffs.

“For the love of… I’m just trying to understand where this is coming from, Ty. You guys seemed fine by the time we went to bed.”

“That was before I watched a couple of your videos. I figured that Dan was right, so I pulled up your channel. And I watched some of the videos with both of you in them.”

“And?”

“And, I saw the way he looks at you. The flirting.”

Phil sighs, wanting to put his head in his hands but figuring that that would be admitting defeat. “We’re best friends.”

“Fuck, Phil! The guy’s in love with you!” he shouts, standing up abruptly so that his knees hit the coffee table and his glass knocks over, spilling water all over the carpet. “Shit. Sorry.” He's picking up the glass while Phil gets up to get a towel when he hears Dan’s door open and close. Phil winces, silently praying that Dan is just going to the washroom because this is literally the worst timing in the world.

“Is everything alright?” Phil nearly stomps his foot in frustration.

“Yeah, Dan. It’s okay,” he says, and it sounds tired to even his own ears. “Could you… could you leave us alone for a bit? Please?” Dan is trying to make eye contact with him, Phil knows this, but he can’t look the younger man in the eye, not right now.

“Tyler?” Dan asks, moving on to the other person in the room.

“He asked you to leave us alone, Dan. This is private,” Ty says, but it lacks the venom his words had picked up earlier. He sounds tired as well, and now Phil feels bad for putting him in this situation. He stares at his own feet for a while until he’s sure Dan has retreated back to his own space, and then he goes to sit next to Ty without cleaning up the spill. They sit in silence for a couple minutes, Ty looking straight ahead and Phil playing with the cuff of his jumper. “I’m sorry for yelling,” Ty eventually says. He sounds genuine. “I just love you a lot.”

Phil’s heart fills up with something so pure and warm that he nearly tears up. “Come again?” he asks, like an idiot, because he can’t believe this is really happening. All thoughts of Dan fly out the window because someone loves him. And not in the way that his mum might love him, or friends, or his grandma. It’s cliché, but the room seems about twenty thousand times brighter, and tiny sunspots are dancing around the room and filling up his lungs with glitter.

Ty turns to him with a sappy grin. His green eyes are so deep and intense. “I love you, Phil Lester.” Overcome with joy, Phil throws his leg over Ty’s so that he’s sitting in the other man’s lap, because he’s happy. Happy. Happy, happy, happy Phil. Tyler loves Phil. He hooks his arms around Ty’s neck before pulling him into a smiling kiss.

“I love you, too.”

___


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yup there's accusations of cheating and one tiny lil implication of self-harm, if that's a trigger for you. guys, please don't read this stuff if you're easily triggered. seriously, i don't want to upset anyone.

Later that night, Dan, trying to sound nonchalant, asks, “So, what was that about?” They’re lounging on Dan’s bed, carefully trying not to spill takeout all over his sheets. Phil hasn’t brought up their fight at all, other than a quick apology for sending him from the room after Tyler left, but Dan can feel the elephant in the room slowly trying to fucking suffocate him. He feels that maybe it’s best not to let Phil know that he heard his own name come up, but he’s not going to let the whole thing slide. Dan thought Ty had seemed pretty level-headed and calm when they’d first met, which actually, as much as he hated to admit it, complimented Phil’s more abstract personality quite well. But the other night, Dan could hear Tyler’s raised voice bouncing off every wall of their flat.

“It was stupid. Can we just forget about it?” Phil pleads, glaring at the popcorn ceiling with weary eyes. He looks tired all of the sudden, and Dan wonders how much sleep he’d gotten last night, considering he’d heard the other man wandering around well into the night.

“Phil… He was shouting at you,” he says.

“I guess I kind of deserved it. For not… you know. Really standing up for him last night.” Dan twitches uncomfortably. “Not that I’m mad at you!” Phil adds quickly, “I’m just mad at myself.”

“I’m really sorry. I didn’t think I upset him that badly.”

“You didn’t. It’s just that…”

“What?” Dan asks, sitting up.

“It’s just that now he thinks you’re in love with me. Or something,” Phil blurts out, then immediately covers his eyes with his hands. Which is a good thing, because Dan’s sure his face must be beet red. Fuck. His limbs are definitely going to spontaneously fall off of his body. “I told you it was stupid.”

“Yeah, so stupid,” Dan laughs. He stands up, for some reason, because apparently his body hates him and wants him to do the most awkward things possible at the absolute worst time. Phil removes his hands from his face to gaze at Dan questioningly. “Uh… You want to play some Mario Kart? Get your mind off of this?” Phil smiles gratefully, and Dan helps him off the bed just to have their hands clasped for a few absolutely stellar moments. His fingers tingle where they brush against the warmth of Phil’s palm.

___

**_Tyler: hey baby what’s up?_**

** _ Phil: Not much, you?_ **

** _ Tyler: just at work. r u alone_ **

** _ Phil: yes, just me_ **

** **

“Phil? It’s your turn to choose the course,” Dan says, and Phil feels extremely guilty. He can’t quite pin why he feels that he has to lie to Tyler, but he doesn’t think it would go over well if he had said he was hanging out with Dan. Not today. He puts his phone face-down on the coffee table and picks up the remote instead. Who is Tyler to criticise his friendship with Dan? He may be Phil’s boyfriend, but Dan is his best friend. He tells himself this over and over again, even as his phone buzzes incessantly once every two minutes for the next hour. _Now is Dan’s time, _he tells himself.

“Ty told me he loves me today,” he says anyway. Dan’s Mii swerves off the side of the road for a second until he regains control. “I said it back.”

“Okay.”

“What’s the matter?”

Dan pauses the game and sets his controller down. It clatters noisily against the table. “You want my honest opinion?” Phil nods, although he thinks that maybe he doesn’t. “I think you guys might be moving a little fast.”

Phil almost gets angry, wants to storm out of the room and throw a fit, but he reminds himself that he _did _ask for this, and it _has _only been about a month. His phone buzzes again. Dan rolls his eyes but tries to hide it. Phil sees anyways. “Maybe. I mean, he’s only really been to our house the once, but I’ve stayed at his place plenty of times. I mean, I even spoke with his brother a couple times. He wants me to meet his mom.”

Sighing, Dan nods once, but it kinda looks more like he’s just jerking his head. “I just want you to be happy and safe. And if he hurts you…” he trails off.

“He won’t,” Phil says, and he’s never been so sure of anything in his life. “He loves me.” Dan gets up to make some coffee, which Phil thinks is a little strange because it’s past midnight, but he lets him go.

** _36 Unread Messages_ **

** _Tyler: Fuck you Phil. You’re fucking him right now, aren’t you? You fucking slut_ **

The last text message is jarring enough that Phil puts his phone down before picking it back up again. He bites his lip sharply, fingers hovering over the call button for a moment before pressing down.

“Is he a better fuck than me?” It doesn’t even ring once. Tyler sounds like he’s been crying; his voice is thick with emotion.

“Ty… I am so sorry. I fell asleep, and my phone is on silent. I am so sorry. Please forgive me,” Phil pleads softly so that Dan won’t hear the lie. He tucks his feet under his legs while he listens to Tyler take a few shuddering breaths over the line.

“Shit. I’m – oh, God, you didn’t read all those messages, did you? Jesus, Phil. Don’t _do _that,” he sobs. Phil’s sure he’s never felt this guilty in his whole life. If Tyler breaks up with him, he doesn’t know what he’ll do. Feeling _loved _by someone… feeling _needed_… it’s like a drug.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says again.

Tyler continues on like Phil hadn’t even spoken, “I didn’t mean any of it. I… oh my God, Phil, I really thought you were cheating on me with Dan. You guys are just so close. And my ex, he cheated on me a lot, you know. It’s just made me so paranoid.” Horrible. Horrible. Phil feels horrible as he listens to his boyfriend crying into the phone.

“I’m sorry.”

“Can you come over here?” Tyler asks softly.

Phil almost tells him that he can’t, because he’s hanging out with Dan, but that could possibly be the worst thing in the world that he could say. Besides, Dan had been making coffee for a suspiciously long time. Maybe he’d gone to bed. “I don’t know, Ty, it’s past midnight.”

“Please, baby. I’m so worked up… I’m worried I might hurt myself,” he cries, and Phil’s blood runs cold as his vision blurs with tears.

“I’m on my way. I am _so _sorry baby, I’ll be right there. I’m sorry. I love you.”

Tyler hangs up the phone without another word. Phil wants to scream. He steps into the kitchen, and Dan’s not even making coffee, just leaning against the counter with his head in his hands. He almost asks what’s wrong, but his mind is filled with Tyler right now, and _oh my God, what if he hurts himself because of me, _so he just says, “I’ll be back tomorrow. I have to go to Tyler’s.” He doesn’t stay long enough for Dan’s reaction, just high-tails it out of there.

___


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a little but of violence in this + one slur.

Tyler’s calmed down by the time Phil gets to his flat, but his eyes are still red-rimmed as a blunt reminder of the pain Phil had caused him. He isn’t angry, either, but he still won’t say anything in response to Phil’s repeated apologies. They talk about Tyler’s ex for a bit, a guy named Rick that had been really, honestly horrible to Tyler. He cheated multiple times, but Tyler says the worst part was that he always lied about it, which makes Phil feel horrible _horrible horrible horrible_. He’d lied to Tyler twice that night.

They have makeup sex. It’s really good, even though Phil still feels really guilty, but it’s hard to feel bad when he’s got Tyler’s cock so far down his throat that he’s choking a little. But he lets him have it, lets the tears well up in his eyes from lack of air, because he’d really hurt Tyler, and he wants him to have anything he wants.

“I love you,” Tyler whispers through the dark. Phil’s throat is sore from the thrusting, so he swallows twice before speaking.

...

“I love you, too.”

...

...

___

They go out for breakfast the next morning, and Phil tries to pay because he still feels bad, but of course Tyler foots the bill anyways. His voice is hoarse, and his hips have finger shaped bruises pressed into them. Ty asks what’s wrong, once, but when Phil explains that the sex was a little rough the night before, Tyler just shrugs. “You kind of pissed me off. Plus, the way that you were moaning, I thought you were enjoying it.”

“I was. I do. I’m sorry.”

Tyler just nods. “I think I’d be more comfortable if you spent less time around Dan.”

Phil nearly chokes on his waffle. “He’s my flatmate, Tyler. And also, my business partner. We’re… He’s like half of my career.”

"I know!” Ty interjects. “I’m not saying you need to move out or anything. I just think it’s weird that two grown men are that close. Especially since he wants to get in your pants.”

Not this again. “Dan isn’t even gay.”

“Sure,” Tyler deadpans. “I’d also like to be in one of your videos, if that’s alright with you?”

That makes Phil smile. He forgets about the Dan thing in favour of brainstorming video ideas with Tyler. He’s not even ashamed to be associated with Phil; he’s ready to be shown off to the world as his boyfriend.

___

In the end, they decide to just do a live stream. Tyler is received extremely well by his fans. There are, obviously, several people complaining that his boyfriend isn’t Dan, but the majority of them are extremely pleased. He knew they would be, of course. Tyler is charming and funny and beautiful and treats him well. The comment section is alive with teenaged girls gushing over stories of their dates and keysmashing when Tyler wraps a strong arm around Phil’s shoulders. For once, most of the chat isn’t taken over with people begging him to go get Dan, which Phil is grateful for because he doesn’t think Tyler would take that too well. It’s been a couple days since their big fight, and Tyler’s been nothing but a wonderful boyfriend ever since. Even though Phil had nearly destroyed their relationship.

He also hasn’t seen much of Dan anyways. Not on purpose, but just because he’s been spending most of his time at Tyler’s. Which is really nice. Tyler can’t cook, but he says he loves Phil’s cooking, so Phil is more than happy to make dinner in the evenings so long as Tyler brings back ingredients from work. They watch Netflix together most nights, and Phil enjoys being able to cuddle up to his boyfriend without Dan’s judgemental stare. Tyler even bought a Playstation for them to use because he didn’t have any video game consoles, and even though Phil tried to pay for half of it, Tyler insisted that it be treated like a gift. They have sex a lot, too, and Tyler isn’t anywhere near as rough as he was that night, which Phil is thankful for.

They’re sitting together on the couch, eating some stir fry, when Tyler says, “You know, maybe you should get a real job.”

Phil tilts his head in confusion. “I have a job?” It comes out like a question.

“I’m just getting a little tired of always paying for everything.”

"You know I have money, right? I thought you were paying because you wanted to.”

Tyler sighs. “I just think that YouTube isn’t going to last forever. At least not for you. You’re not getting any younger, you know.”

“I’m only in my twenties!” Phil exclaims. He’s not quite angry, but he’s not pleased. Tyler stands up and starts pacing.

“But you said you gain a lot of revenue from joint content with Dan, right? And that won’t work forever.”

No. _No._ Anything but this. “We do live together.”

“But what about if I wanted to live with you? And I don’t think Dan would take too kindly to having me in your flat.”

Heart fluttering in his chest, Phil tries to keep himself from smiling. Just because Tyler’s on another tirade about Dan doesn’t mean he’s actually ready to move in together. “I think Dan would love to have you in our flat,” he says anyways.

That was apparently the wrong thing to say, because Ty spins around with his jaw set in a very firm line. He takes a deep breath that makes his chest rise and fall very prominently. He’s barely taller than Phil, but right now he’s making the younger man feel infinitely small under his intense gaze. Phil stands up too, trying to square his shoulders in preparation of whatever fight’s going to come next, but he just feels silly and dramatic. “What if _I_ don’t want to live with that fag?”

“Tyler!” Phil shouts, his eyes wide. “What the fuck?”

“What? What is it now? Does your precious Dan not like that word? He’s too sensitive? Maybe he shouldn’t be such a whore, then!” Once again, Tyler’s escalated from conversation to shouting without much of a transition period.

“Jesus Christ! Listen to yourself! He’s literally done nothing to you other than being my friend.”

“Why are you defending him? What do you have to hide, Phil? Does Dan suck your cock at night? Do you beg him to _fuck _you? Are you his little bitch? Or do you fuck him? Give it to him like the little _cockslut he is?_” _Where the hell is this coming from?_

“At least Dan doesn’t fucking treat me like this!”

In one swift move, Tyler puts his fist through the wall. His green eyes are wild, and he’s panting heavily. “Fuck! Look what you made me do!” He gestures at the hole with his bloody knuckles, nearly spitting with anger. Phil’s hands are shaking as he scrambles for his phone from his back pocket.

“I’m sorry. I’ll pay for it to get fixed.” Tyler still looks crazed, and his eyes flick to Phil’s as the younger man types on his phone.

“What that fuck are you doing? Are you calling the cops? I didn’t fucking touch you, Phil,” he says through clenched teeth.

“No. No, no. I’m calling a car, Tyler. We’re not talking about this right now, and I’m going home.”

“Like Hell you are!” Tyler shouts, grabbing Phil’s phone from his hands and throwing it across the room. Phil winces on impact, absolutely terrified of the man in front of him. Tyler steps toward him, and Phil’s hands fly up over his face. Nothing happens.

“Shit. Shit. Jesus fucking… I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I’ll buy you a new phone. Fuck,” Tyler is saying. It sounds really far away. Phil also hears sobbing, but he’s not sure if it’s coming from Tyler or himself. Maybe both. Probably both. “Don’t leave me, Phil. Please don’t fucking leave me.”

Phil opens his eyes to Tyler sitting on the floor, pulling at his hair. He sinks down beside the other man, wrapping his arms tentatively around his shaking form. They sit together like that for a while. Tyler is definitely the only one crying, because Phil just feels numb.

___


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this one's basically just a bunch of manipulation and gaslighting. thanks for letting me write my issues away like a journal for public consumption.

Phil does go home the next day. He leaves before Tyler wakes up, and he tells himself that it’s because he’s trying to beat the morning traffic. On the way home, he wonders if anything that happened last night should be a deal-breaker. Maybe Tyler was just having a bad day. Phil hadn’t even stopped to think about why Tyler could have been feeling that way. He might have had a horrible day at work. Phil had no idea. 

He pads around the flat for a bit, wringing his hands. It feels wrong to even think about breaking up with Tyler. He’s genuinely a very good boyfriend, and Phil’s pretty sure he wouldn’t be able to find someone better. He’s possibly never felt as good as he did the first time Tyler said I love you. So what if he loses his temper sometimes? Phil could handle a little yelling. It’s not like he’s ever really gotten physical, beyond last night or some particularly rough sex. 

____ 

Dan doesn’t hear Phil come in, but he does wake up to the sounds of someone else moving around. It’s still really fucking early, but he’s a little peeved that Phil’s pretty much up and deserted him for like half a week now, so he gets up. Phil’s talking to himself, because he’s a dork like that, but he looks up when Dan enters the room. There’s something in the lines of his face and the set of his shoulders that makes Dan’s heart melt. He forgets every confrontational thing on his mind and instead just says, “What’s wrong?”

He’s not sure what he was expecting, but Phil immediately breaking down into tears was not it. Dan starts forward to catch him as Phil’s knees buckle, and they go to the couch together, sinking into the cushions. Phil’s crying, like honest real ugly sobs, right into Dan’s shirt, and his whole body is trembling like a leaf. Every cry shoots through Dan like physical pain. Dan presses his lips to the top of Phil’s head, not quite kissing, just leaving a constant pressure against his raven hair. It takes a while, but Phil’s sobs slowly turn to shaky words until Dan can make out ‘Tyler’ and ‘fight’ and ‘scared’. “Phil, I swear to God, if he fucking touched you…” Phil shakes his head frantically against Dan’s chest, saying something about his phone… or was it… a wall? “What are you saying? Use your words, Phil. I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Nothing! I – Never mind! I’m fine,” Phil gasps, but his voice breaks at the end of his sentence, and suddenly he’s sobbing into Dan’s shoulder again. 

“I’m not going to let anyone hurt you,” Dan whispers into Phil’s hair. He still has no idea what’s happened, but he does know that Phil, one of the strongest people that he knows, is so upset that he can’t even get proper words out. And he knows that it has something to do with fucking Tyler. He should have never said that he liked the guy. 

___

A couple days pass with no word from Tyler. Well, it’s not like Phil has a phone for him to contact. Phil still hasn’t told Dan what exactly went down, but the brunette has to know that something happened. So, it comes as a surprise when Phil wakes up to a voice that is definitely displeased and definitely sounds nothing like Dan arguing with a voice that is even more displeased and sounds exactly like Dan.

“Come on, mate. Give it a rest. I just want to see him.”

“Fuck off, Tyler. I’m serious. Get the fuck out of here.”

“It’s okay, Dan,” Phil sighs. Both parties turn, obviously surprised to see him. “Let him in.” 

Dan throws his arms up in anger as Tyler squeezes past, checking his shoulder with Dan’s in a way that was most certainly deliberate. Phil winces as Dan stalks by, shouting, “I’m calling the police if I hear even once thing I don’t like!” over his shoulder.

“So,” Tyler says, his hands in his pockets.

“So,” Phil replies.

“I bought you a new phone. Even though you left without saying goodbye that morning, knowing that I was upset.” He hands over an iPhone box and Phil’s old sim card. Phil holds it like a foreign object.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, despite himself, “I was also upset.”

“I hardly see why. Other than the phone, which you pretty much provoked me into breaking, I didn’t do anything. And I even promised to buy you a new one. Which I did. Which you haven’t thanked me for yet.”

“Thank you,” Phil says, despite himself.

Tyler leans in to press their mouths together, but Phil turns his face to that his lips hit cheek instead. “Come on, Phil. You’re being crazy,” he whispers, “I thought you said you didn’t want to fight with me anymore.”

“You said that. And you were the one who started the fight, anyways. You were the one who got angry,” Phil says. His heart is beating a mile a minute from how close Tyler is standing. From the words he’s breathing across Phil’s skin. From the scent of mint. 

“You don’t seriously believe that, do you? You’ve never seen me angry. I was hurt. Maybe I said some unwarranted things, but honestly, Phil. I think you’re remembering it wrong. You were saying so much stuff about Dan, even after I told you that that makes me uncomfortable. And I just snapped. But it’s not like I hit you or anything.”

No. Phil can’t remember talking about Dan to Tyler. Maybe? That night was kind of a blur. Dan did come up. Did Phil bring him up? Maybe. God, Tyler did say that talking about Dan made him uncomfortable. And if Phil brought him up anyways – well, that would have been a shitty thing to do. Tyler goes for another kiss, and Phil lets him this time, despite himself. He sighs into the older man’s mouth, wrapping his arms around Ty’s lean frame. 

“So, we’re good now?” Ty whispers into Phil’s neck. He thinks that maybe this shouldn’t be the end of the conversation. He remembers being so scared and wrecking Dan’s shirt with tears and snot. But maybe he’d brought it on? If he was a better boyfriend, then maybe this wouldn’t happen again? Maybe?

“I don’t know.”

Tyler pulls back and holds Phil by the shoulders. Phil is staring at Ty’s nose instead of his eyes and hoping he doesn’t notice. “What is there to think about?”

“I think we spend too much time together. I’ve been neglecting my relationship with Dan, and I’ve known him for a lot of years. That’s not cool.”

“Phil, I’ve forgiven you for the other night. You don’t need to worry about that. But… Listen, if this relationship isn’t moving somewhere, then I might have to find someone else. I don’t want to. But I’m not getting any younger, baby. You may be in your twenties still, but I’m past thirty, and I’m looking for more than a casual fling. Spending time apart isn’t going to further our relationship. I don’t mind if you hang out with Dan, but you’ve got to make time for me too. You know how I get jealous. I would hate to have to start over with someone new just because of your flatmate.” Panic alarms go off across Phil’s brain. “And who will you find that treats you as well as I do?”

“You’re right. You come first.”

Tyler smiles, and Phil is struck once again by how beautiful this man is. By how lucky he is to have him. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Phil says, despite himself.  
___


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a really short one. for the very last chapter, i've been going back and forth between two different last lines? i just don't know ugh. anyways, here it is!

Their relationship is a lot smoother after that. Tyler spends a lot of time at their flat, and Phil wonders how he had ever wanted to suggest that they spend time apart. He talks about it with Dan, who says that he’s confused, but also concedes that he doesn’t want to control Phil’s actions. He still hasn’t gotten the full story. And Phil can’t pinpoint why he feels so ashamed of it all. Like Tyler is a dirty secret. Dan just tells him that he’s glad that Phil is hanging around the house more, rather than going out. Phil can’t help but agree, even if Dan doesn’t hang out in his room anymore, and Phil doesn’t even look at Dan’s room unless Tyler is at work. He doesn’t like the distance that his boyfriend is putting between him and Dan, but maybe he should be willing to put up with it for love. Tyler’s right: he’s not getting any younger, and it’s unlikely that he would ever find someone as great as Tyler. Because he really is great! He tries to get on with Dan once in a while, and it makes Phil feel fuzzy and happy to see them interact without fear of it coming to blows. It means a lot that Tyler is willing to try, considering that Dan means more to Phil than possibly anyone else. Other than Ty, that is. Other than Ty.

“You’re not going to wear that outside, are you?” Tyler asks, wrinkling his nose at the tank top Phil is sporting.

“Um, I guess? It’s thirty-two degrees out. I think I’d melt in anything else.”

“Well, you look slutty.”

Phil really doesn’t like when Tyler uses that kind of language, but he just laughs it off, kissing Ty on the cheek before ducking out of the room to use the toilet. “Hey, have you seen my wallet? I need my oyster card,” he asks Ty a couple minutes later, having turned out the pockets of every pair of jeans he owns in search of it. Ty doesn’t even look up from his phone, just hums noncommittally. “I’m serious, Ty. We’re supposed to meet Martyn in a couple minutes.”

“You can have it if you change.”

“Are you serious right now?”

Another hum.

In the end, Phil changes into a tee, and Ty smiles happily before pecking him chastely on the mouth and handing back Phil’s wallet. “You look beautiful, my dear,” he gushes, running his hands through Phil's hair.

They’re a couple minutes late to meet Martyn, but as his brother, the guy is used to it by now. Phil can only hope that this goes well. Martyn has been known to be protective in the past, but Tyler is a great guy. “Hey! Long time no see. Where’s Dan?” Not a good start. Not good at all. Phil laughs in an admittedly awkwardly fashion before making some excuse about his best friend being tied up with work even as Tyler’s hand tightens in his own.

“I’m Tyler,” he interjects, looking as charming as ever with his boyish grin. Martyn looks jarred, for some reason, like he’s not used to seeing Phil with someone other than Dan, but he recovers quickly enough to offer a handshake. “Phil’s boyfriend.”

“Ah! The guy that’s stolen my brother’s heart!” Martyn exclaims, clapping Ty on the back. It goes well from then on: they get coffee, Martyn keeps a watchful eye on Ty’s hands, Ty is funny and nice and just _perfect. _The only thing that could have made it better would be if Dan was there. Phil doesn’t say that out loud, though.

____

Looking at Phil has hurt since 2009. His beautiful green-blue-yellow eyes, and his tongue-in-tooth grin, and his creamy, unblemished skin all conspire to rip Dan’s heart apart. It makes his insides twist and squeeze in a way that makes him want to throw up. But it’s always been worth it. Looking at Phil and Tyler, however, hurts in a way that makes Dan want to lie down in the floor and never get back up again. The worst part is that they really seem _happy. _And that sometimes Dan finds himself actually enjoying Tyler’s company.

God, the guy had bought Phil a new phone after he’d dropped it in a puddle outside. Sometimes, Dan doesn’t know how Phil gets dressed in the morning.

Who drops their phone in a puddle?

___


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VERY IMPORTANT!! this chapter includes some physical violence and non-consensual sex. please don't read it if that triggers you. these are my experiences, and while they may (unfortunately) be common, i do not expect them to perfectly reflect the experiences of everyone who has been in a similar situations. thanks!

“Martyn says hi,” Phil calls out as he walks in through the front door. He doesn’t hear a response, but he knows Dan’s home somewhere. After a cursory glance around, he finds the brunette hunched over his laptop, editing a video with headphones in. Phil grabs the cord and pulls, stepping backwards as Dan spins his chair with wide eyes. “Martyn says hi,” he repeats.

“Jesus, Phil, warn a guy next time,” Dan whines, but the corners of his mouth twitch up a little. “Ty here?”

"Nah, he had to get home,” Phil spins Dan’s chair a couple times, and he relishes in the delighted laughs coming from his friend’s mouth. He pulls the chair to a stop, swaying on his feet a couple times with the force of it. Biting his lip, Phil takes in some air, suddenly nervous. “I’ve been thinking.”

Dan’s not laughing anymore. “Fuck. You’re moving out.”

“What? Oh my God, no. Dan! Dan, are you _crying?” _Phil laughs, because it’s kind of funny how quickly Dan’s eyes became red-rimmed, but he also leans down as he cups Dan’s face with his hands because he loves him. “Oh, don’t _cry,” _he’s still laughing, and Dan is fully crying now even though he’s also laughing. It’s like a weird laugh-cry. Phil can’t stop himself from kissing Dan’s forehead before he starts wiping at the younger boy’s tears.

“Sorry,” Dan chokes out, still laugh-crying from his chair. He stands up swiftly and crashes into Phil, his arms winding around Phil’s shoulders as Phil’s go around his waist. Phil is struck by the sudden hug; it’s not like they’re never affectionate with each other, but Dan has been a bit more reserved with the touching since Ty had been hanging around more. Which Phil supposes is for the best.

“Hey, don’t be sorry. I’m not going anywhere,” Phil whispers into Dan’s hoodie as he runs his palms in circular motions over Dan’s back. This worries him. Had he really been neglecting Dan so much that he thought he would completely abandon their friendship? Phil thought he’d been doing better recently with making time for Dan, even when it pissed Tyler off. But clearly he’d been wrong.

“What did you want to talk about?” Dan asks, his voice muffled in Phil’s shoulder.

“It’s not important.”

Dan pulls away slowly, wiping at his nose with his sleeve. “No, I’m really okay. I don’t know what came over me. Maybe, like, relief crying or some bullshit? What do you need?” His voice is a little scratchy, which makes Phil’s heart ache with guilt.

“I was going to ask if it was okay that Tyler joins us for a gaming video, but maybe that isn’t such a good idea,” Phil says with furrowed brows. He brushes Dan’s fringe off his forehead and wipes another tear from under his watery brown eyes. “Yeah. Forget about it. The gaming channel is our thing.”

“No! No, that would be fine. So long as he doesn’t, like, take my spot or anything.” Phil feels like maybe Dan’s words have a heavier meaning to them, but he doesn’t say anything, no matter how vulnerable he looks right now. They go back and forth on it for a while, because Phil really, genuinely wants Dan to be sure that this is something he would be okay with. He also really, genuinely wants Dan and Tyler to bond, and he thinks that this would really help the process, so it’s a huge relief when Dan smiles and reassures him that it sounds like a good idea. They do, however, decide against doing a gaming video. Phil thinks that maybe that part was a bad idea since they don’t really _do _guests on that channel. It’s always been an unspoken rule that it’s Dan and Phil’s baby, and he doesn’t want to mess that up, regardless of how many times Dan says it’s okay. They’ll just do a normal video on Phil’s channel. It’s definitely better that way. Tyler isn’t a big fan of gaming anyways.

“Later, though,” Phil assures, partly because he thinks he should spend some time with just Dan for the next couple days and partly because he doesn’t really want to see Tyler right now. For whatever reason.

___

“Hey guys! Today, I’m going to be doing something a little different… and to help me out, I have Dan and Tyler with me!”

Phil decides to do a ‘Boyfriend vs. Best Friend’ challenge, because he really enjoys other videos of similar subject matter. Pitting Dan and Tyler against each other seems, on the surface, a horrible idea. But Phil thinks about it for a really, _really _long time, and a little friendly competition has been known to bring people closer together. It goes well, for a bit. Dan is ahead by a lot, but honestly, Phil expects it because he’s only known Ty for three months and he’s known Dan for basically his whole adult life. He tells the viewers this as well. But he also feels like he’s saying it to Tyler, because he can feel the older man growing more tense every time Dan gets an allergy right or remembers a childhood anecdote.

___

“What the fuck was that?” Ty hisses as soon as Dan retreats to his bedroom, the camera equipment packed up and the room rearranged as normal. His tone of voice makes Phil want to take a step back, but dread glues his feet to the ground.

“What was what?” he sighs, already tired of where this conversation was surely heading.

“You bloody well know what!”

“Keep you voice down!” Phil pleads, arms held out placatingly.

Ty grabs his wrists and pulls him forward so that they’re nose to nose, his grip digging into Phil’s skin. Once again, Phil feels like he’s three feet tall as he lets out a tiny noise of protest. “Don’t _ever _tell me what to do again. That whole video, you and Dan were – you were _flirting! _I’ve never been so humiliated in my entire life. I’m going to be the laughing stock of the internet. The guy whose boyfriend is _fucking _his roommate right under his nose!” his spit flies into Phil’s eye, and he tries to pull away, but Ty’s fingers just tighten around his arms.

“Will you _stop _that! Seriously! I love you! Not Dan!”

Ty surges forward to crush his mouth to Phil’s, the force of it too bruising to really be considered pleasurable. Phil tries to turn his head, but Ty pushes him back into the wall so that there’s nowhere to go, a picture frame digging into the back of his skull. “You never _listen_!” Ty pants, his face squished right up against Phil’s. He can feel his heartbeat in the bottom of his feet while he tries to wrench his wrists free from Tyler’s grasp. “You never fucking listen, Phil, and I’m getting really tired of it. I told you to stop hanging around him so much, and I thought you had, but here you are! Putting your fucking hands all over him!”

“He had an eyelash,” Phil says, because he feels like he should say something.

Tyler bites Phil’s bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. “Tell me who you belong to.”

“What?” Phil gasps.

“_Who do you belong to?” _Tyler whispers, pushing his groin into Phil’s. He’s hard, which is startling to Phil, who’s pretty sure he’s never felt less turned on in his life. His wrists ache now, so he stops trying to pull them away in the hopes that Ty will loosen his grip.

“You. I belong to you,” Phil cries out, because Ty’s putting a lot of pressure on his dick, which _really fucking hurts, _and he’s fairly certain that’s what the guy wants to hear. Tyler kisses him again, the rub of his stubble burning around Phil’s mouth. He finally lets go of Phil’s wrists, but only to pull at Phil’s belt buckle. Phil uses his newly freed arms to push against Ty’s chest, and he keeps his lips firmly pressed together, regardless of how many times Ty tries to jam his tongue between them. His mouth tastes like blood.

“Don’t be a fucking tease. I’ll go find someone else, I swear.” Apparently that’s all Phil needs to hear, because he stops pushing and lets Ty lead him to the bed. He doesn’t know when he starts crying, but he does know that when Ty presses his face into the bed, a wet spot eventually forms on the sheets. And keeps spreading. And spreading. He just kind of lies there, wishing he were anywhere else, letting Ty’s thrusting shift his own body back and forth on the sheets. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. In the far corner of his mind, it burns. He wasn’t properly stretched, and he’s pretty sure the only lube Ty’s using is spit, but Phil pushes the pain away. From where he’s lying, he can see a Winnie the Pooh plushie that Dan bought him from Disney World one year sitting on the top of his bookshelf. He focuses on the yellow fabric, not even blinking as tears drip out of his eyes.

Back and forth.

When it’s done, and Ty collapses on top of him, so heavy that Phil can barely breathe yet doesn’t care, Phil’s still not done crying. He wonders if he’ll ever be done crying.

“I love you,” Tyler whispers against his skin.

…

“Say it back, Phil. You have to say it back.”

…

…

“I love you, too.”

…

___


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT!! this chapter contains mentions of sexual assault, cheating, and physical domestic violence.  
also, as i dealt with these types of things, i'd often have conversations with myself as if i were actually talking with another person. sometimes i still do, if i need to check in. so i wrote that in, and it starts in this chapter (because this is when it starts to get really bad). but it's also in other chapters. if you get confused by that, it's just phil talking to himself in his own head. it's not a bad thing or anything.

When Phil wakes up, he has to roll Tyler off of him. His wrists ache, and he can’t even walk properly because his ass hurts so bad. He gets up anyways, though, because he doesn’t want to stay in the same room as Tyler right now. Dan’s up, too, eating cereal at the counter when he limps in. Phil tries to make his shuffling less obvious, shortening his gate and minimizing the wincing.

“Morning,” Dan groans into his bowl, clearly tired. He slides his cereal over to Phil, obviously not looking to finish the last of it, and Phil reaches for his spoon before digging in. “Woah, what happened to your wrists?” He asks, gently taking one of Phil’s arms and brushing his long fingers over the deep purple bruising there. Phil hadn’t even noticed, and he doesn’t say anything because Dan’s affectionate touch feel so good right now and because he’s not sure yet if he wants to say anything but the truth.

“Phil likes to be held down.” Ty comes waltzing into the room, not wearing anything but his pants and looking entirely too smug. He winks at Dan, and Phil thinks he’s going to throw up into the cereal.

“Jesus, Ty,” he says instead, “Dan doesn’t want to know that kind of stuff.”

“What? I’m sure he heard you howling like a cat in fucking heat anyways,” Ty says as he pours coffee. Phil almost laughs, except none of this is remotely funny. Whatever noises he was making last night, he’s sure they weren’t coming from a place of pleasure. Dan sets his wrist down on the counter with one last gentle brush of his fingers. Phil closes his eyes at the touch.

“Well, maybe you should use a little less pressure. These are some deep bruises, mate,” Dan says. He doesn’t sound friendly.

“I don’t see how this is any of your business, _mate.”_

“It’s my business if you’re hurting my friend!”

“Are you sure you’re not just wishing it was you holding him down? Making him _beg_-“

Phil stands up abruptly, his chair squeaking horribly against the floor. “Can I talk to you in private, Tyler?”

___

“You cannot belittle my best friend _directly _after forcing me to sleep with you.”

Ty lets out a short laugh. It sounds like he’s barking. Like a dog. The thought makes Phil wish he could lock Tyler outside with food and water. “_Forcing you to sleep with me?”_

Phil’s wrists throb in time with his heart-rate. “What would you call it, then?”

“I don’t know, having sex with my boyfriend?”

“You held me down, Ty. I was _crying._”

Ty takes a step forward. Phil takes a step back. “I’m your boyfriend, Phil. I shouldn’t have to ask for you to have sex with me. And it’s not like you said no.”

He didn’t say no. Did he? Maybe not. And maybe Ty didn’t see that he was crying. He would have stopped if he saw that Phil was crying. “Okay. Whatever. That doesn’t mean you can talk to Dan like that.”

Getting a dangerous glint in his eye, Ty pokes his finger straight into Phil’s chest. “What did I say about _telling me what to do?”_

“I’m sorry.” It feels weird to be the one apologising right now.

“You never listen. You never… I’m out of here, Phil. Before you make me do something that I… I’ll call you later, I guess,” Ty says through gritted teeth, and that’s all he says as he gets dressed and storms out of the flat. Phil only feels like he can breathe when the door closes. _Relationships take work, _he says to himself. _You’re not perfect either. _The voice in his head sounds a lot like Tyler these days.

_____

“I’m sorry for the way he was talking to you,” Phil says to Dan later as they pop in a movie. They haven’t talked about Tyler since he left that morning. Phil did edit the video, though. Originally, he’d tried to take out any of the parts that could be seen as flirting between him and Dan, but all their interactions looked normal to Phil. Just the way they always acted. So he leaves most of it as is, because, also, since when did he agree to make his videos the way Tyler would want?

“Don’t say sorry. It’s not your fault,” Dan smiles softly. That makes Phil tear up, for some reason, so he lies his head down in Dan’s lap and lets the taller man stroke his hair while they watch the movie. If Dan notices the way Phil’s body shakes with sobs, he doesn’t say, just keeps stroking. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Back and forth.

_____

The next time Phil sees Tyler, he’s got a hickey the size of a hockey puck wrapped around the side of his neck. One Phil certainly did _not _leave there. He feels dizzy as Ty lets him into his flat, and he’s not sure if something is buzzing or if it’s just his ears ringing. “You’ve cheated on me,” he says.

Tyler’s green eyes go wide with surprise. “Why would you say that?” He sounds so hurt, so genuinely confused, that Phil has to take another look at the bruise to ground himself.

“Have you seen yourself in the mirror recently? That’s one hell of a hickey,” he asks, anger clouding his vision. The absolute nerve of Tyler. To get viciously angry, on multiple occasions, over Phil ‘cheating on him’ with Dan only to go out and actually cheat on Phil within the span of two fucking days?

“This hickey? You mean the one you gave me?”

No. Not this time. Phil’s certain he hadn’t even kissed Tyler back that night, let alone sucked that massive bruise on the side of his neck. Besides, it looks fresh, not quite deepened to black or gone yellow around the edges the way Phil’s wrists had. “You know as well as I do that I didn’t give you that.”

Ty puts his hands on Phil’s shoulders, and the touch is gentle enough that Phil doesn’t pull away. “Baby, you’re scaring me. You’re being crazy again. Do you really not remember?”

“No.” Phil’s lower lip wobbles.

“Crazy Phil. What would you do without me?”

“Shut up!” Phil shouts suddenly, tearing himself away from Ty and thrusting his hands into his own hair. “Shut up! I hate it when you say I’m crazy! I didn’t forget! I didn’t give that to you!” He’s not sure if he’s trying to convince Tyler or himself.

“Well, you certainly _sound _crazy.” He’s right, and Phil knows it. Phil hates it.

“Just admit it! You cheated on me!” His voice has risen in pitch, and he knows that he sounds hysterical, but he can’t stop himself. He can never stop himself around Tyler.

Ty grabs his wrists again, and pain shoots up Phil’s arms. “Do _not _raise your voice at me.” He feels like a child.

“I’m sorry.” Why is he sorry again?

Ty lets go of his wrists like he’s been burned, looking very pained. “No. I’m sorry. I.. I did, Phil. I’m so weak. I was out with this guy, and I was so mad at you, and he made a pass… and I did. Cheat on you.” He sits down on his couch, looking at Phil with pleading eyes.

The news doesn’t make Phil any more or less upset. It just is. He nods jerkily, sitting down beside Ty. “I think we need to break up.”

“I’ll never do it again. Please, Phil. You just made me _so mad. _But I can control myself. This can make us stronger, I promise. Please don’t leave me. I love you.”

“I can’t, Ty.”

“Don’t you love me?”

“I do! I do. But… I also can’t trust you. This is over.” Phil starts to stand up, but Ty yanks his arm until he’s sitting again.

“If you walk out that door, I’m going to kill myself.”

The first word that comes to Phil’s mind is just ‘okay’. But then he feels sick to the stomach at the very thought of it, at the very thought that he almost just told his (ex?) boyfriend to _kill himself. _“Hey. Don’t say that. I’m not going anywhere right now.”

“Give me another chance. Even if you piss me off like that, I promise I would never… Never again. I promise. I’ll literally kill myself, Phil. Do you want me to kill myself?”

_Yes, _Phil almost says. _Right now, yes. _

“No. Jesus, no,” he actually says. “If you even look at another man again, though… it’s over. It’s so over.” Because he doesn’t actually want Ty to die. He had kind of been a dick to him. Picking Dan’s side over his own boyfriend’s. Lots of couples deal with this kind of stuff and get over it. He was being a bit dramatic. It’s not really that big of a deal. Not really.

“Thank you,” Ty smiles, pressing loving kisses into Phil’s cheek. “You’re so kind… and beautiful. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

___

The next couple days are shit. Phil came home from Tyler’s one day and disappeared into his room. Dan brings him food sometimes, but none of the plates have made their way back into the kitchen, so he wonders if the older man is actually eating it. It’s normally Dan who pulls this shit, and Phil who leaves plates of toast on his nightstand and tries to get him to take a shower. It reminds him of how much Phil has done for him in their many years of friendship.

Phil eventually makes his way into Dan’s room and under his covers, and Dan doesn’t say anything, just holds out his hand in case Phil wants to hold it. He’s so worried that it doesn’t even feel good when Phil bypasses the hand altogether and snuggles up to Dan’s chest.

“Tyler cheated on me.” Dan almost doesn’t hear, the sound muffled by the blanket and his own shirt, but he does hear. And it makes him angry. This guy’s got the best man in the world as his boyfriend, and he just threw it all away?

“That fucker,” he says into the dark, tugging Phil closer to him. “Did you guys break up?”

“No,” Phil whispers, “I pushed him into it.”

“Did he tell you that?” Dan scoffs.

“He didn’t have to. I’ve been a horrible boyfriend.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Dan whispers, but Phil’s already fallen asleep.

___

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t kick your ass,” Dan says, frowning at the visitor on their doorstep.

“What’s got your panties in a knot now?”

Dan laughs right in his stupid face, wishing it wouldn’t be completely inappropriate to spit in it. “Just because you’ve got it in Phil’s head that this is his fault doesn’t mean you’ve convinced me.”

“I appreciate that you want to keep him safe,” Tyler sighs, “But he’s an adult. And he said himself that he forgave me.”

“Yeah, because you’ve somehow manipulated him into it.”

“He was right about you. You don’t listen.”

“_Excuse me?”_

_"_You heard me. Phil told me all about his annoying, childish roommate who _won’t leave him alone. _And I told him it probably wasn’t that bad, you know? But I think he was right.”

Dan wants to slap the smug look right off his face. This guy might be able to manipulate Phil, but he won’t let this fucking asshole get to him. “As if I’d believe you. And even if he did say that stuff, you’re kind of a shit boyfriend for sharing his private thoughts with me.”

“_Excuse me?”_

_"_You heard me,” Dan mocks, slamming the door in Ty’s face.

___

Phil does go over to Ty’s flat eventually, because he’s got four texts asking him to and he _did _say that he would give their relationship another shot. He did say that. But Ty looks angry when he answers the door, and instead of it making Phil scared, it just makes him want to turn back home and go to bed. Ty’s angry with him more often than not these days.

“What is it now?” he says as greeting, still not particularly pleased that Ty had cheated on him. Then lied about it. Ty doesn’t say anything as he pulls Phil inside with a harsh grip and slams the door. Again, Phil feels nothing but annoyance. “What?” he repeats.

“Don’t fucking talk to me like that. Playing innocent. You’re always the victim, aren’t you?”

“What did I do?”

Ty slams his palm against the doorframe once, growling low in his throat. “You told Dan that I fucking cheated on you. Our relationship is _private, _Phil. Do you have any idea how this makes me look?”

“Well, you _did _cheat on me,” Phil says, trying to keep his voice light, like he’s making a joke even though he knows neither of them will think it’s funny. It is true, after all. And he doesn’t think it’s out of the question to talk to Dan about these kinds of things. Ty hits the doorframe again.

“You make me so mad.”

“I’m sorry.”

Tyler’s pacing now, back and forth across the rug. Phil watches his feet as they pivot, back and forth. Swiveling. It’s perfectly in time, like a metronome. “And _Dan, _of all people?”

“He’s my best friend.” The words roll off his tongue and fall out of his mouth onto the floor before he can stop them. They float around and in and out of his ears. He hopes they don’t reach Tyler’s.

They do.

“Oh, here we go again! ‘He’s my best friend, Ty! I love him, Ty!’ Well, what about me, Phil? I thought you loved me!” Ty shouts. He’s stopped pacing, and now he and Phil are stood opposite each other, one heaving with angry breaths and one just standing. Watching.

“Maybe I don’t anymore.”

…

…

His face hurts. It takes him a second to figure out why, to figure out why his head is all turned to the side. Why he’s stumbled back a few steps. Why his mouth feels hot and sticky – blood? Why his nose is bleeding, apparently. Why Ty is standing in front of him, holding his own fist, looking horrified.

_Oh._

_ …_

Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

…

_Phil?_

_ …_

_ Not right now._

“I’m… I’m so sorry, Phil. I’m so fucking sorry.” Someone is crying. It sounds like a baby. There’s no babies here. Phil’s not even sure if he’s really here, so it must be Tyler. Crying over his bloody knuckles, probably. It looks like it hurts. He keeps saying that he’s sorry, and isn’t that usually Phil’s line? Something is dripping on the hardwood; Phil can hear the soft tapping as it falls. He looks down, and his nose throbs with the change in angle. It’s blood. Is it coming from Tyler’s knuckles? No. Phil remembers. His nose is bleeding. It’s all down his shirt, too.

“I liked this shirt,” he says, because he does like this shirt. And now it’s got – something? All over it. It’s hard to get his mouth around the words, like trying to speak a foreign language. His nose still really hurts. He wonders if Ty’s knuckles hurt, so he asks. Ty doesn’t answer, just cries more, which is really annoying. He just wants to know if Ty’s knuckles hurt as bad as Phil’s nose.

“I’ll never do it again,” Ty wails, and why is he on his knees? He’s begging, but Phil’s not quite sure what for. 

“Okay,” he says, because he still just wants to go to sleep. “I’m sorry,” he says, because he feels like he has to.

“I love you,” Tyler sobs. His hands must really hurt if he’s still crying.

“I love you, too,” Phil says, because he’s not sure what else to do.

___


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so warning for this one are: drinking, physical violence, shouting, and manipulation.

Phil stays at Tyler’s for two weeks. Because that’s how long it takes for the swelling in his nose to go down enough for him to see other people. The doctor that Ty makes him go to says that it’s broken, but that it’s a clean break so he doesn’t have to set it. It will heal on its own. He texts Dan nearly every day, using the excuse that Tyler is really sick and that he has no one else to take care of him. Maybe Tyler really is sick. Maybe that’s why he – maybe. Ty’s been really sweet, though. He brings Phil flowers on his way home from work every day until every window of his flat is lined with roses and peonies. He doesn’t hold Phil down during sex, just holds him gently as they make love. It reminds Phil of when their relationship first started.

He does have to go home eventually, though. He has fans that are counting on him, and he doesn’t want to let them down. When he looks on Twitter, he sees that Dan sent something from Phil’s account about some strange people he’d seen on the train. Phil doesn’t know if the story is true or not, but he’s grateful for it anyways, since he hasn’t opened any social media since before Ty cheated on him. Which was – holy shit, had it really been three weeks? He’s overcome with the urge to hug Dan for doing _something _to make it look like he hasn’t up and died. He tweets a picture of Dan looking stupid from deep in his camera roll, and maybe it’s just so that people can stop asking if he’s alright in his mentions, but it’s also maybe because he misses Dan, and the picture makes him smile. His face looks mostly normal in the mirror, and if he wears his glasses, it’s like nothing even happened. He smiles at his own reflection, forcing his lips to grin wider, wider, _wider _until it starts to hurt.

He waits until Tyler is at work to actually leave. Because he doesn’t want to fight. Not when they’ve been doing so well for two whole weeks. He just leaves a little note and a promise to call later. He doesn’t want Tyler to think that he’s mad.

Dan’s not in when he gets home. Phil’s told himself so many times that what Tyler did wasn’t that bad. He promised he wouldn’t do it again, and Phil’s nose is fine, so. But he’s still relieved to avoid _that _confrontation. Once again, Ty is like a dirty secret, something Phil has to keep from his very best friend. And right now, Phil just wants to lie down because he feels like he hasn’t slept in three weeks.

He gets up when Dan gets home. It’s only fair; he hasn’t seen the guy in two weeks. He feels like they have a lot to catch up on, but they don’t say anything. They stand in each other’s arms for what feels like hours, and when Phil asks why, Dan just says that he looks like he needs it.

___

“Phil! Martyn’s here!” Phil separates from Ty, laughing when the older man tries to pull him back in to continue their make out session.

“Coming!” he shouts back, dragging his boyfriend out of his room to go greet his brother. “Hello, you rat,” he sings, even as Martyn pulls him into a tight hug. The embrace lasts longer than it usually would, and Phil wonders if he still looks like he needs it. Martyn and Tyler hug as well, which doesn’t feel as good to look at as Phil thinks it should.

Pleasantries are exchanged; Phil’s videos are going fine; Cornelia is doing well; Tyler’s just gotten a raise. Phil’s words are coming out forced in a way they normally don’t around his brother, but also in the way that they have been in the last month. Ever since – well, it is what it is. But things go well, considering. Ty doesn’t even look mad when Martyn cajoles Dan into joining them in the lounge.

They get a little drunk. Well, everyone else gets a little drunk and Phil gets a lot drunk, refilling his glass whenever everyone else is distracted. He thinks that maybe he deserves it, just this once, because seeing Tyler and Dan and Martyn laughing together is making him feel a little sick. Even when the pleasant buzz shifts to something a little _more,_ even when things start to blur a little bit, and his words start to come out slurred together, all Phil can hear is Tyler and Dan and Martyn laughing together. His nose and his face and his wrists hurt, even though they all healed like a month ago.

“Fuck you,” he says, right in the middle of one of Tyler’s stories. He just kind of _says _it. The words are out there, plastered across the walls and the floor. Everyone stops talking and looks at him. He says it again. He says it a third time.

“What’s the matter now, Phil?” Tyler sighs, like he has to deal with this kind of thing all the time. Phil says it a fourth time.

“Phil!” Martyn chides, and Phil feels like a fucking child _again. _Dan is just staring at him, his mouth set in a frown and his eyebrows furrowed. _It’s great that you feel confused, _Phil wants to say to him. _Because I am also so, so fucking confused._

“What are you confused about?” Dan asks gently. He’s the only one that doesn’t look annoyed right now. Wait, did Dan actually learn how to read Phil’s mind? Because that would be so fucking awesome.

“He’s just drunk. That’s why he’s confused,” Ty says. And Phil definitely just spoke out loud, because there’s no way Ty would be able to read his mind.

“I’m not that drunk.”

“You’ve refilled that glass about seven times.”

“Oh, so now you’re monitoring how much I drink too? That’s just fucking awesome!” Phil exclaims. He stands up to get his point across, but the room is a little spinny, so Dan has to grab his waist to steady him. Tyler smacks Dan’s hands away. Actually smacks them away, and now Phil is wondering who is the child in the room. He says it a fifth time. Right to Ty’s face.

“Phil, this is getting old.”

“Fuck you.”

Ty stands up too, then, about three feet away from Phil, and he’s got that wild look in his eye again. His lips are pressed so tightly together that they’ve gone white. His nostrils are flaring over and over again. Open and close. Open and close.

“Are you going to hit me?” He asks, because he’s genuinely curious. Martyn stands up then as well, right behind Ty, but Dan is still sitting, his brow still furrowed in confusion.

“_Always the fucking victim!” _Ty shouts. Phil wonders if their neighbours are also tired of hearing Ty’s voice. He does start forward, but Martyn grabs his arm and twists it behind his back until Ty is yelling for a different reason. “I wasn’t going to fucking hit him! Jesus Christ! I was just going to take him to bed!”

“I think you should leave,” Martyn says, and Tyler explodes, yanking his arm away and shoving Martyn into the coffee table. Dan gets up, even though he’s not particularly confrontational, but Phil figures he’s not going to leave Martyn alone in a fight.

Fight.

They’re fighting.

Phil remembers bruised wrists and broken noses and bloody shirts and _back and forth back and forth back and forth. _Would Tyler really hurt Martyn? Would Tyler hurt Dan?

“Can you just go, Martyn?” Phil says, and everyone stops pushing just like they had stopped talking. He can’t help but feel he has some kind of detonator in his hand, and everyone is just waiting for him to blow it all up. “Tyler would never hurt me. I’m drunk. I’ll call you in the morning.” Martyn raises his eyebrows, his gaze flicking between Phil and Tyler a couple time before he shakes his head.

“No way. No fucking way,” he says.

“Go!” Phil cries out. He’s so tired. He’s so fucking tired. So, he lets Dan lead Martyn to the door and pretends he doesn’t hear them talking in low voices. So, he lets Tyler lead him into the bedroom. So, he lets Tyler slap him across the face.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, but he doesn’t even feel it.

There’s no apology this time.

“I’m sorry.” At least, no apology from Tyler.

“Sorry’s not going to fucking cut it, Phil. What the fuck was that?”

Phil doesn’t respond.

Tyler slaps him again.

He feels it that time.

“You’re not to talk to Martyn anymore.”

“_What?”_

“After what you just said? He's going to hate me since you've made me out to be some kind of fucking villain. What the fuck was that? You shouldn’t have said that shit about me hitting you when I _told _you that I wouldn’t do it again.”

“You literally just did it again.”

Tyler backhands him this time. “You fucking made me, Phil!”

Someone knocks on the door. “Phil, you guys okay in there? I hear shouting.”

Tyler doesn’t break eye contact. “We’re fine, Dan, thanks.”

“Phil?” Dan calls again.

…

“Phil,” Tyler hisses, shaking him roughly.

“Thanks, Dan. We're just going to bed.”

…

“Good boy,” Tyler whispers a moment later, and he raises his hand again. Phil flinches, but Ty just strokes his throbbing cheek. “You’re beautiful when you cry.”

Phil didn’t even realise that his cheeks were wet. Ty is kissing the tears away now, and Phil just stands there, because he’s drunk, and it’s not like struggling had made any difference before. He lets Ty push him on to the bed, too, because this is a lot better than fighting even if it still hurts. The bed sheets are wet again. He must still be crying. That’s okay. 

“I love you,” Ty shouts as he comes, and he’s too distracted to notice that Phil doesn’t say it back. He tries to jerk Phil off, which is more thought than he usually puts in, but Phil’s not even hard, so he gives up. That’s okay too. “I love you,” Ty says again, when he’s caught his breath, and they’re lying in the dark of Phil’s room. “Even though you make it really difficult sometimes, I love you.”

Phil pretends to be asleep.

___


	11. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains mentions of physical abuse. it's also REALLY short, but i'm literally going post the next one in about two minutes, so please forgive me.

The next morning, Phil has two missed calls from Martyn. He wants to call back, but Ty takes his phone and blocks Martyn’s number. Phil thinks that that is way too drastic, but Ty reminds him that he’s the one who bough the phone, and he should be the one to decide who Phil does and does not contact with it. Phil doesn’t mention why he needed a new phone in the first place.

Dan gives him strange looks when they meet in the lounge. He says that Martyn called him, looking for Phil, and Phil wants to scream. Just wants Dan and Martyn to stay out of his business. If he tries harder, works harder, then Ty won’t hit him. If he becomes a better boyfriend.

And he does try to be a better boyfriend. But it doesn’t seem to help. Phil finds himself wishing that that night had never happened, because now Tyler seems to hit him whenever they fight. And he doesn’t even try to apologize anymore. Every little disagreement turns into twisted arms and bruised cheeks. Phil starts to like the way purple looks against his skin. He has some concealer in the back of the medicine cabinet that he uses sometimes before filming, but he’s not very good at applying it. And it doesn’t do much for open wounds, so Phil spends a lot of time in his own room where it’s dark and he doesn’t have to look at himself. Dan uploads on his Twitter another two times: once some random story that obviously isn’t true, and once an actual apology for not uploading. When he reads that, he breaks down a little. Has it really been three months since he’s uploaded to his channel? His mentions are full of people asking if he’s okay. Phil doesn’t know what to reply, so he just logs out. And then he deletes the app for good measure.

___

Phil is screaming. That’s what Dan wakes up to. It’s 4 AM, and Dan wakes up to Phil _screaming his bloody head off._ He shoots out of bed and into Phil’s room, ready to fight off any attackers, but it’s just Phil, alone in his bed, thrashing.

What the fuck?

Dan stands over his friend’s bed, breathing heavily, wondering what the fuck is going on before his sleeping brain catches up with the rest of his body. Nightmare. He’s just having a nightmare. He tries to shake Phil awake gently, but the older man’s eyes fly open, and he starts whacking at Dan’s arms desperately.

“Get the hell away from me!” he’s yelling, over and over again, and Dan is just trying to _think _over the noise of it. "Don't touch me!"

“Phil! It’s just me! It’s Dan!” he says, repeating it until Phil stops squirming. Until they’re just staring at each other, Phil, trembling, half sitting up in his bed, and Dan, terrified, kneeling beside him. “You’re okay,” he whispers. Even though he doesn’t look okay. He looks about ready to bolt. Dan wants to cry a little. He just wants his best friend back. “You want to talk about it?”

Phil shakes his head slowly, but he lifts up his covers in an obvious invitation. An invitation Dan would be a fool to ignore, even if he wasn’t in love with the guy. Dan lies next to him, opening his arms and letting Phil bury his face against Dan’s chest. It’s weird, being taller than Phil, considering he was once significantly shorter. But it’s nice. “I love you, you know,” he whispers.

“I love you, Dan,” Phil breathes back, just on the cusp of falling asleep again. Dan wishes they meant it in the same way. His chest aches with how much he wants it.

Phil may drift off quickly, but Dan just lies there until morning light floods through Phil’s curtains. The weight of Phil’s body against his is comforting, but it’s not enough to get his mind to rest. He misses his best friend, even though they’re technically in the same bed. Breathing the same air. The other man hadn’t been anywhere near his normal self for months now, always seeming far away. So fucking far away.

___


	12. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we've got dissociation in this chapter, and let me just give a little disclaimer: when i dissociate, it feels like how i've written it (like i'm semi-aware, watching everything happen from a couple metres away). but i have a friend who has also dissociated, and for her, it's nothing like that. so if it's not like that for you, i'm not trying to, like, pretend i know what you go through. we've also got MAJOR physical abuse in this chapter - like it's bad. so.

** _Tyler: Phil_ **

** _Tyler: Phil_ **

** _Tyler: Phil_ **

** _22 Unread Messages_ **

___

“You haven’t answered any of my texts.”

“How did you get in here?”

“The door was unlocked.”

Phil doesn’t think he nor Dan ever leave their front door unlocked. He pulls his blankets up over his head just to pretend that Tyler isn’t there, even though he knows the older man will pull them back down. Most of his body is unmarked, but he still aches everywhere. Maybe his muscles just want life to be even harder for him. “What do you want?” he asks, because he’s feeling rather petulant today. What’s Ty going to do? Hit him?

“That’s no way to talk to your boyfriend.”

Phil groans.

“What’s wrong, baby?” Ty pulls back the sheets. “That’s a nasty shiner.” He actually gasps. Like he’s surprised. Like he’s not the one who put it there. He brushes his hands against it, and Phil leans into the touch anyways, craving the affectionate touch. “I’m here to take you out for dinner, if you can clean yourself up.”

“Yeah,” Phil grumbles, although he would really rather stay home. “I’m up.”

___

They end up in the alley behind the restaurant, and Tyler looks mad. Phil tries to feel mad too, just to feel anything, really. But all he comes up with is apathy. He’s not looking at Tyler as he screams, and he’s not really listening either, just counting the bricks on the wall and playing the Buffy theme in his head.

“Why don’t you just go home with the waiter, hm? If you liked him so much? Eye-fucking him right in front of me,” Ty says. Phil pictures Ty’s head blowing up really big and floating away into the cloudy night until he gets so high that Phil can’t hear his voice anymore.

“Huh?” Phil asks, even though he heard.

Everything goes black for a second. His head _really _fucking hurts.

To Phil, it feels like he’s watching the scene unfold from just down the alley. And it must really suck to be the guy whose head Ty just smashed into the brick. There’s blood and everything. Then again, it’s not that great being Phil right now.

Because his head _really _fucking hurts.

Ty’s still talking, but it all sounds pretty warbled and underwater. Phil hums along because it kind of sounds like a song. If he thinks hard enough, it still sounds a lot like the Buffy theme song. Phil really likes the Buffy theme song. He screws his eyes shut, not wanting to see Tyler yelling at that poor guy down the alley anymore. _Sorry, _he thinks. _But my head hurts way too fucking much for this._

“I think we should break up.”

Wow, guy down the alley. That’s kind of a shitty thing to say.

Suddenly, Phil’s back in his body, because Ty is twisting his arm behind his back and it _really fucking hurts. _Did _Phil _just say that?

“I’ll fucking kill you right now, you fucking slut,” Ty spits at Phil’s ear, and his breath smells so strongly of alcohol. The stench swirls around them, tighter and tighter until it’s wrapped around Phil’s neck, choking him. Ty pulls his arm harder. Phil wishes he were back on the other side of the alley again, just watching this happen. “I’ll fucking kill you.”

_Okay, _Phil wants to say. _I think I’d let you. _

“I’m sorry,” he says instead. Because he really wants Ty to let go of his arm.

And he does. But not before jerking Phil one more time, hard enough that his arm cracks. Someone screams. It might be Phil, but it might also be the guy down the alley whose arm Tyler probably just broke. The guy whose face sure does look a lot like Phil’s.

_ Phil?_

_ Phil?_

…

_ Phil?_

Everything goes dark again for a second.

His head…

_really fucking hurts._

His legs…

maybe aren’t there anymore?

_ Phil?_

_Not right now._

The edges are a little black.

_ The edges of what, Phil?_

_ What are you saying?_

_ Phil?_

…

Everything goes…

dark?

…

…

_ Phil?_

___


	13. XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter has obvious mentions of physical abuse as well as manic behaviour and non-explicit drugged sex (non-consensual). there's also gaslighting involved. the end of this one actually physically hurt to write.

Phil’s in the hospital. Apparently he got mugged, or whatever, but he’s got a concussion and a broken arm. Fuck. Fuck.

Fuck.

Dan wants to break something. Phil looks so small in the hospital bed. So pale against the white sheets. And, for once, he’s thankful for Tyler, since he scared the muggers away. He saved Phil’s life tonight, and Dan will never be able to thank him enough. Amazingly, he actually hugs the guy, and he doesn’t even have to force himself to mean it. Dan literally does not know what he would do without Phil, and the doctors said that, with his injuries, it didn’t look like his attackers were holding back. Fuck. Without Phil, where would Dan be? Some depressed lawyer married to a woman who’s probably done nothing wrong but who Dan can’t seem to love regardless?

So, he hugs Tyler. And hugs him again. And apologizes for being a bit of a twat towards him. And maybe he’s not really that sorry for saying most of the stuff he’s said to Tyler, but whatever. The guy saved the love of Dan’s life. He doesn’t even clench his fists like usual when Ty pecks Phil on the cheek, even if he does have to repeat _not mine, not mine, not mine _a couple of times under his breath in the bathroom.

The police come by, but there’s not much they can do because there were no cameras, Ty said he didn’t get a good look at the guys, and Phil says he doesn’t remember anything. Which the doctors say is normal for this severe of a head injury. Now it’s just Dan and Phil, and Tyler, and Martyn, who drove all the way here even though Dan knows he and Phil haven’t spoken in a really long time. Martyn hugs Tyler as well, but he doesn’t apologize for the fight they got into. He hugs Dan as well, not because Dan did anything, but because he was crying when Martyn got here and didn’t stop for a good while.

Maybe it’s because Dan’s still crying and no one else is that Phil decides to hold his hand over Tyler’s. Well, he’s got two hands, and he still only seems to want to hold Dan’s. Either way, it’s nice, and Dan kisses each of Phil’s fingers despite the fact that both Ty and Martyn are watching him. He thinks they both know how he feels, anyways.

___

“Thank you for saving me,” Phil says when they’re alone, just to enjoy the way Tyler’s eyes go wide.

_Your move._

“You… you really don’t remember, do you?” His voice is so soft, but it’s still too loud for the way Phil’s head is throbbing. Even with the meds. Phil shakes his head, trying to keep the grin off of his face. _No, Tyler. I don’t remember a single thing. Tell me again how you heroically rescued me from those muggers. Tell me again how you saved my life. _“You’re welcome, baby. I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Phil almost laughs. And he does, once Tyler leaves the room. He laughs and laughs and laughs. Because it’s funny, isn’t it? He laughs until he’s hoarse, laughs until he’s just laughing for the sake of it. Laughing just to hear his own voice over the beeping of the heart monitor. Laughs until a nurse comes in to sedate him. He wants to tell her why he’s laughing so that she can laugh too, but that would be ruining the joke. He also wants to ask her why she’s sedating him if he’s just having fun? Just laughing? But he can’t stop for long enough, can’t even stop to catch his breath. It’s just so _funny. _

___

By the time Phil gets home from the hospital, it’s not so funny anymore. He thinks really hard about his relationship with Tyler. Well, first he changes the wallpaper on his phone to a plain black screen because the photo of Tyler that was there before is too overwhelming. And then he deletes every photo he has just because he can. Just because the control feels good. He deletes his Twitter account too, which doesn’t feel quite as good because Dan’s been trying really hard to keep it updated, but it needs to be done. The plates that had been stacked on Phil’s dresser have mysteriously disappeared while he was in the hospital, and Phil thinks he can thank Dan for that one too.

Then he thinks really hard about his relationship with Tyler. His arm is in a cast, for fuck’s sake. His head has stitches. But he also thinks that _maybe_ he was flirting with the waiter. Phil looks in the mirror while he thinks. To have a real conversation with himself. But the only thing he thinks when he sees himself is that he looks like shit. He’s still got that black eye, which he guesses got lumped together with his other ‘mugging’ injuries. His hair is all sweaty and matted to his head. So Phil gets the scissors and cuts some chunks of it off. It’s hard to get it even since he’s only got the one arm, but it gets it off his face. He has to call Dan help him with the vacuum, though, because it’s way too hard to clean all the clumps up, and he can’t set it up by himself. Dan takes a look at the black hair spread everywhere and pulls Phil into a fierce hug, whispering, “You’ll be okay.” He says it several times, but Phil’s already okay. He feels great. He hugs Dan back anyways because he doesn’t want to be rude, but he really only needed help with the vacuum.

After a while, Dan sounds like he’s saying, “I’ll fucking kill you.” Over and over again, he’s just whispering that he’s going to kill Phil. Which rhymes! But Phil knows he’s not, so it’s okay.

That night, he spends two and a half hours going through every video he’s ever put online, and he privates all of them. He doesn’t delete them, just in case. In case of what, he doesn’t know. But just in case. When he logs out and looks at his profile, it shows that he has nothing posted. That feels good too, so he tries to do the same to the gaming channel. But Dan says he’d changed the password after he’d gotten about four thousand messages on Twitter asking where all Phil’s videos had gone. Where his Twitter had gone as well. Where Phil’s gone.

_I’m right here! _he wants to say. But it sounds like a lie, even in his own head.

___

Things are _not _better after that. Tyler’s sympathy only lasts for about a week before his temper takes hold again, and Phil’s got a split lip. And a cut on his finger from cleaning up a cup Ty had smashed when Phil didn’t want to go to a movie. They end up going to the movie, but Ty just wants to make out, which they could have done at home for free. Phil wants to kiss in a dirty movie theatre even less than he wanted to go out in the first place. Ty digs his fingers into Phil’s stitches when he tries to express this, however, so Phil figures making out in a dirty movie theatre sounds great.

_“Crazy Phil,” _he tuts, fingers brushing Phil’s jagged hairline. “_Look what you’ve done to yourself.”_

_I’m not crazy, _Phil wants to say. _I’m not crazy, but I think that may be where I’m headed._

Phil doesn’t want to have sex with the cast on. It’s awkward and frumpy, and the skin underneath is sweaty enough without any added physical activity. He puts his foot down with Ty, because he’s really serious about this, and Ty must still feel at least a little bad about everything because he says that it’s okay. And that’s that.

Except maybe it’s not. Phil’s still not quite sure what happens, but he knows that he had gone over to Ty’s for a drink. Only one drink, because he’s not supposed to get drunk with his pain medication. Only one drink, yet Phil feels really tired after he’s gone through half of it. He tells this to Ty, and Ty says that he’s going to take care of Phil. That’s a probably a good thing considering Phil can’t feel his own face by the time the glass is empty. When he wakes up the next morning, his head is pounding worse than any hangover he’s ever had, and his ass burns like something tried to split him apart. Hand shaped bruises wrap around Phil’s hips and even his neck. He throws up dinner from the night before and dry wretches into the toilet for another half-hour.

In theory, Ty discovering that Phil doesn’t even have to be awake for the older man to get off should be a relief. Having sex had started to feel like a chore a couple months ago. But the hang-over lasts for like two whole days, and Phil thinks that he’ll probably be better off if he just lets Ty do it while they’re both awake.

___

**_Tyler: u feeling better?_**

** _ Phil: no_ **

** _ Tyler: u probably shouldn’t have had so much last night_ **

** _ Read at 5:51 PM_ **

** _____ **

After a month, Phil’s allowed to get his cast taken off. It’s nice because his skin is _really _itchy. And because Ty had written his name across the whole thing in big bold letters so that it was the only name Phil could see. It’s still a little sore, but Phil can wear long sleeved shirts again, so that’s cool. His hair’s grown back a bit too. Not quite as long as it was, but it’s not a choppy as it once was. It still looks strange, though, because Phil hasn’t dyed it for a really long time. So, like, half of his hair is disgusting orange and half of it is a greeny-black colour. But it’s whatever, because Tyler says that a grown man dying his hair black like an emo teenager is fucking stupid. And even though Phil likes the black more, it’s fine. It really is.

It’s still nice to have it off, even when Ty pins his now-free arm behind his back while he holds Phil down on the stovetop. The heart burns through the fabric of his shirt and brands geometric circles into the skin of his chest. _He probably would have done it if I still had the cast on too, _Phil thinks. _But maybe he wouldn’t have done it if I weren’t such a shit boyfriend._

___

** _ Tyler: come over tonight_ **

** _ Tyler: i’m horny_ **

** _ Phil: idk_ **

** _ Tyler: u want me to find someone else?_ **

** _ Phil: omw_ **

___

He still hasn’t brought his social media back, and Dan can only do so much damage control. He makes sure to say something during one of the other boy’s liveshows, just so that the world doesn’t think he’s dead, but he doesn’t sit in front of the camera like he might have six months ago. Phil’s been thinking of getting a real job lately. It’s not like he doesn’t have a degree, it’s just that he doesn’t really use it. Well, he uses the Masters, but whatever. If he and Tyler are going to start a family any time soon, then he needs stability. Maybe he can get on at the BBC again. As a solo gig this time, obviously. Tyler wouldn’t be too pleased if Phil moved onto something else only to bring Dan with him again. Phil would probably deserve that hit, he thinks. That would be a shitty thing to do.

“What’s happened to your face?” Dan asks one day. Phil’s got a bruise along the side of his cheekbone that he couldn’t be bothered to cover up. Part of him wants someone to figure out what’s happening. A very small part.

“Walked into a door,” he replies. It’s a _really small part. _

“Phil.” Dan’s looking at Phil with those goddamn sad eyes again, and Phil just doesn’t want to deal with this right now. Doesn’t want to deal with anything.

“Dan,” he mocks.

“If someone’s hurting you…”

That small part suddenly gets way smaller as Phil’s defences go up. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Come on, Phil. I hear him shouting at you, you know. I don’t like the way he treats you.”

“He treats me fine,” Phil says, because Ty isn’t here to defend himself, “I don’t see how this is any of your business.”

“You’re my best friend. It’s my business if he’s hurting you.”

“Well, he’s not, so.”

“Bullshit!” Dan snaps, smacking his hands against the counter as Phil throws his hands up over his face. It’s quiet for a long time. A really long time. So long that Phil wonders if Dan’s left the room. So, he puts his hands down. But Dan is still standing there, his hands still resting on the counter. His eyes still sad.

“Why do you care?” Phil whispers, staring at the floor because he doesn’t want to look into those sad eyes anymore.

“Because I’m in love with you.”

…

…

“Phil? Did you hear me?”

…

Phil did hear. That’s kind of the problem. Because it sounded so _fucking _good. It sounded like a thousand million butterflies erupting in Phil’s stomach. It sounded like a future with no more black eyes or broken arms. It sounded like a million dollars. But it also sounded like someone whispering _I’ll kill you _over and over again into Phil’s ear. Dan doesn’t love him. He can’t. Phil would wreck him, wreck him until all Dan wants to do is take. Or hurt. Phil would wreck him the same way he’d wrecked Tyler.

He lets Dan get really close, though. Because he likes the way his pulse picks up. He lets Dan lean in until their lips are almost brushing, until Phil is inhaling Dan’s every exhale. Because he likes that Dan doesn’t smell like mint. He lets Dan put his warm hands on Phil’s hips. Because he likes the feeling he gets in the bottom of his stomach.

“I can’t,” he says. Because he still loves Tyler. Because cheating on him could get Phil killed. Because cheating on him with Dan could get _Dan _killed. Because he’s scared that kissing Dan might be worth dying for.

“Okay,” Dan says, but he’s still standing really close, so Phil pulls away first. The distance makes him ache. 

“You don’t love me,” Phil says.

“I do,” Dan whispers, “But that’s okay.”

And then he’s gone.

_ Phil?_

_ Not right now._

_ …_

_ Phil?_

_ …_

___


	14. XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so some warnings: there's more MAJOR physical abuse in this one. it's rough. it's going to be rough for a little while longer, and then it will get better. keep looking forward to that happy ending!

Phil goes out with Tyler the next day. And sucks him off in a public toilet, because he feels guilty for thinking of Dan’s lips. And Dan’s hands. Because he feels guilty for wishing it was Dan he was sucking off instead. _Dan wouldn’t hold my head on his cock until I choke, _Phil thinks, then digs his nails into his arms until he bleeds from crescent shaped wounds_. But maybe he would._

They go out the day after that as well, and the day after that too. He sucks Tyler off in what feels like every public toilet in a 10km radius of his flat. He doesn’t feel any less guilty. Their relationship _is _better, though. It’s been a week since Phil’s gotten smacked, which means it’s been a week since Phil’s done something wrong. Coincidentally, it’s also been about a week since Phil’s seen Dan. A week since that night in the kitchen when – Dan – hands – lips – Phil bites the inside of his mouth with as much force as he possibly can.

It’s because Phil knows that Dan will be out tonight that he invites Tyler back to his place. He doesn’t think he can handle the both of them in one place right now. Doesn’t think he can trust Dan not to tell Tyler that Phil is a cheating piece of shit. But, anyways, Dan is out, so Phil cooks dinner, and Tyler smiles brightly and wants to hold hands while they eat. He’s in a _really good mood. _And Phil’s in a shit mood, but what else is new. He’s staring at the spot where Dan – Phil whacks his knee against the table and pretends it’s an accident.

Phil’s washing the dishes in the sink. Dan usually dries, but Tyler doesn’t like to do that, so Phil’s just going to have to do both. And that’s fine. Ty is talking his ear off about work, and Phil is nodding along, just watching the overhead lights make rainbows in the soapy bubbles.

“Are you even listening to me?” Ty says, and Phil spins around and nods, wary of the tension that’s suddenly hanging in the air like smoke. “Then what did I just say?”

Phil laughs awkwardly, his fight-or-flight instincts starting to kick in. He just couldn't _focus, _and now Tyler is pissed off because Phil had to go off to his own little world. So _stupid. _What had he just been saying? Something about a customer, definitely. Or was it a coworker? “I’m sorry, baby.”

“So, you weren’t listening. Again. You never listen.” He’s frowning, and all Phil can hear is _I’ll fucking kill you._

“I’m sorry!”

“You’re always sorry. I want to know what was so much more interesting than your boyfriend.” Ty stands up and walks slowly towards Phil, who eyes a kitchen knife that’s drying by the side of the sink. “What the fuck was so important?”

“I almost kissed Dan,” Phil blurts, then immediately puts his hands over his mouth. _Why the fuck did he just say that? _Of all the things in the world to blurt out, that has to have been the absolute worst. But it’s out there. The words are out there, and it’s obvious that Tyler heard them by the way he stops, his face turning beet red as a vein threatens to pop out of his forehead.

“What… the fuck, Phil.” Strangely, he doesn’t think Tyler’s voice has ever sounded this calm and level. Phil, however, feels anything but calm. His heart’s dropped out of the bottom of his shoes, for sure. Either that, or it’s beating too quickly for Phil to feel it anymore. Everything is still for just a moment, and Phil wants to live in this moment forever, wants to carve out a spot in the timeline and just sleep, here, still, for the rest of his life. But that can’t happen, because life sucks and Phil is a horrible person who cheats on his boyfriend.

It’s really fast, but Tyler starts forwards, and Phil grabs the kitchen knife, holding it out in front of him with both hands. His arms shake a little. His legs shake a lot. Tyler falters, his eyes glued to the weapon Phil’s brandishing. “What are you doing with that?” he asks. Phil feels powerful as Ty’s voice trembles a little, so he holds the knife out a little further.

“Don’t come near me. I’m not going to let you hurt me anymore.” Phil’s never really considered fighting back, not since the beginning, but he _really _likes the scared look in Tyler’s eyes right now. He likes it so fucking much.

“Hurt you? Phil, you’re the one holding the knife.”

Huh. That’s true.

“I just wanted to talk. I know I’ve gotten… rough, in the past. But I haven’t really _done _anything to you, baby.”

That’s not true.

“I’m scared. You’re scaring me, Phil. You’re acting crazy.”

“I’m not fucking crazy!” Phil shouts, but maybe he is. He’s holding a knife to his boyfriend. He’s holding a… he’s holding a fucking knife? That’s crazy. The word bounces around his skull until it’s a constant pressure around the base of his jaw and on the backs of his eyes. _Crazy. Crazy Phil._

Fuck. A fucking knife.

_Phil?_

_ Yeah?_

_ You should probably put it down._

_ Yeah._

_ Phil?_

_ Yeah?_

_ You’re not putting it down._

_ …_

Phil turns the knife around so that he’s holding it handle out, and he lets Tyler take it. Which maybe wasn’t the best idea, because Tyler takes it from Phil’s shaking hands and immediately turns it back on him. It’s not really a surprise, so Phil just kind of closes his eyes and lets his mind wander as Tyler presses the cool metal against his throat.

When Buffy died, she came back to life. But she came back all fucking weird. Would Phil come back all fucking weird? He probably wouldn’t come back at all.

“What’s my one rule, Phil? What is the only thing I’ve ever asked of you?”

_You ask a lot of me, _Phil wants to say, so he does. He’s going to die anyways. Maybe the funeral director will re-dye his hair so that Phil doesn’t look stupid at his own funeral. Or maybe it’ll just be closed casket. That’s fine too.

“No, Phil. I asked you _not to fucking cheat on me!” _Something wet slides down Phil’s neck. Their upstairs neighbour’s bathroom probably flooded again, and it’s leaking through their floor and Phil’s ceiling. He feels bad for them, but he’s also annoyed because this is the _third time, _and he’s getting really sick of putting buckets out to catch the water.

“I think the neighbour’s bathroom’s flooded,” he says, but his throat moves when he speaks, and it makes more liquid roll down his neck for some reason. Tyler’s not listening anyways, not that he could have heard anything over his own screaming. Sometimes, Phil thinks the guy just likes to hear himself talk. He does have a nice voice. Low, almost melodic. Phil’s neck is _very _wet.

They should really call a plumber.

Ty pulls the knife away, and Phil really hopes that he’s given up because, personally, Phil checked out about fifteen minutes ago, and everything Tyler is saying kind of sounds like it’s in Mandarin. He hadn’t known that Tyler could speak Mandarin.

Phil’s face kind of hurts. But he thinks that maybe that’s normal considering how many times Tyler’s smashed it into the counter. His mouth tastes like blood. Phil’s not crying, though. He’s not even upset, really, just kind of wishing Tyler would stop using his hair to yank Phil’s head around. Also, if he could stop shouting, that would be really cool, because Phil doesn’t even understand Mandarin, and his neck is getting kinda sticky where all the water had dropped onto it. On second thought, maybe Tyler should keep hold of Phil’s hair, because his legs have fucked off and found something better to do than support him.

_Wow, _they should get that fucking bathroom fixed. Phil’s whole head may as well be underwater. He opens his mouth so tell Ty this, because it’s kind of becoming a problem, but water rushes past his lips at first chance. It tastes like bubbles.

Oh.

Phil’s head is in the sink. Under the water. How did it get there? He tries to pull himself out, but something is holding his head under. Something – Ty’s hand? Phil wants to tell Ty that he’s accidentally got Phil under the water, but he can’t speak. Water’s in his mouth, in his nose, in his ears. And Ty just keeps pushing. Even when Phil tries to grab his arm and pull it away. Even when he hits. Even when he kicks. Ty just keeps pushing.

_All of this, _Phil thinks, _and I didn’t even get to actually kiss Dan._

_ ..._

…

_I really want to kiss Dan._

_ I really…_

_ I…_

_ …_

_ …_

_ Phil?_

_ …_

_ …_

_ ._

_ Phil?_

_ Not right now._

_ …_

_ …_

_ ._

Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. Knock. “Police! Open up!” Knock. Knock. Knock. The pressure over Phil’s head is gone, but he can’t seem to get his legs to make him stand up. This is probably Phil’s record for the longest he’s ever held his breath. He wishes he’d somehow been able to time it. Maybe Tyler had timed it. Tyler. Where is Tyler? There’s someone in the flat. More people than just Tyler. Police? Who called the police? Dan? No, not home. The neighbours? They were probably busy with their flooded bathroom.

There’s a lot of noise going on. Even under the water, Phil can hear it. He can also hear his own blood rushing in his ears. If the police are here, though, then it’s fine. Phil is fine. He feels light. Weightless. If only everybody would quiet down, then Phil could get some… What’s it called?

Sleep.

Phil just wants to go to sleep.

_ Phil?_

_ Not right now._

_ …_

_ …_

_ I’m thinking about kissing Dan._

_ …_

_ Phil?_

_ ._

_ Phil?_

_ ._


	15. XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. with my own experience, which eerily mirrors this story (wow, it's almost as if i wrote it), it did eventually go to court. i have chosen to not to go that route, because it took literally forever, and everyone in my town now knows me as the kid whose boyfriend tried to drown them. it's not a great image. and then the guy didn't even get convicted, because the justice system is a mess regardless of what country you're coming from. that was really hard, and i don't want to write about it. so i'm not going to.  
some more angst. there's mentions of physical abuse, obviously, especially the whole sink incident. also, some incidents of violence and gaslighting.

Dan is definitely not prepared for the ambulance and two police cars that are parked outside his building. He is most definitely prepared to sneak around them to get home and into his bed. He is not prepared to recognize Tyler, whose hand are cuffed behind his back and who’s talking to a police officer.

Phil. Where the fuck is Phil.

His looks to the ambulance immediately, and _Jesus fucking Christ, _there he is. His Phil. He’s sitting on the back of the ambulance, and he’s got a shock blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His lip is split open. His hair is soaking wet. He’s got dried blood on the collar of his shirt and a long pink cut across his throat. Dan just stares. He stares for a full minute. Then two minutes. Then three, until Phil looks over and they make eye contact. He’s got this glassy look that Dan can’t… He’s never been this angry in his entire fucking life. Phil’s looking straight through him now, like he hadn’t even noticed he was seeing. Dan pukes all over the fucking pavement.

___

He honestly just walks over to ask the police officer what’s going on. He has a right to know, after all. This is his home, and that is his housemate and best friend who’s now got an oxygen mask held over his face. But Tyler is just standing _right there, _and when Dan walks up to them, he _smiles _for some stupid fucking reason, like they’re friends? Or like Tyler’s made a joke and wants to let Dan in on it?

Dan winds up and punches him in the face.

Twice.

And he would have done it a third time if the police officer hadn’t thrown Dan up against the side of the car.

_Guess what, Ty? Not a very fucking funny joke._

_____

Dan doesn’t get arrested. But he does have to stand beside Tyler as they wait for the policeman to report back to his precinct. His hand stings. It helps that Tyler’s nose is dripping blood like a faucet. “I hope you fucking die,” Dan says, which helps a little too.

Tyler stays quiet for a moment. Then he says, “Have you ever noticed how pretty Phil is when he cries?”

Dan tackles him to the ground.

This time, he gets arrested.

It’s definitely fucking worth it.

___

Phil’s fine. Or, he’s not, but he’s not going to die, so they let him come home. They let Dan go home a while ago too, because Tyler’s not really in a position to be pressing charges against anybody. He goes with Martyn to get Phil from the hospital, and he pretends to not see the older man crying in the rear-view mirror. It’s okay. Dan’s cried a lot today too.

“I’m sorry,” is the first thing Phil says to either of them, and yeah, Dan’s crying again, but so is Martyn, so it’s still okay.

“Where’s Ty?” is the second thing Phil says, and Dan might just throw up again.

“In holding. Where he belongs,” Martyn explains when Dan stays quiet.

Phil looks confused. “Why? I’m not pressing charges.”

Dan has to leave the room.

__

They don’t talk about it until again until they’ve gotten home, and once again, it’s only because Phil brings it up. “I’m serious. They can’t keep him if I’m not pressing any charges.”

“They don’t need you to press charges, Phil. It was attempted murder.” Martyn is a lot better at talking about this than Dan could ever be, so he just stays quiet.

“That’s just a bit dramatic, don’t you think?” Phil scoffs. “He wasn’t trying to kill me.”

“First of all, he shouted so loudly that the neighbours _actually called the police. _He held a knife to your throat. He literally held you under water until you lost consciousness. They had to perform CPR.” Apparently, Dan can talk as long as he keeps his eyes clear of Phil’s split lip or the cut along his pale neck.

“They can’t prove that it was _'__attempted murder__'_. We were just having a little fight.”

“Fuck, Phil! He’s a fucking psychopath!” Martyn again. Neither of them miss how Phil jumps at his raised voice. Martyn deflates a little. “There’s no way you’re staying with him.”

“You can’t control me.”

“That’s not the first time he’s hurt you,” Dan says. It sounds like someone else is using his voice, moving his limbs like a puppeteer. Phil looks straight through him again. “How long?”

Phil doesn’t answer. Just starts straight through Dan, like he’s not even there.

“How long?” Martyn demands. 

“I don’t know. He hit me… maybe two months into our relationship?”

“You’ve been dating for eight months,” Dan chokes out.

“I suppose.”

“And before that?” Martyn asks, his fists clenched but his voice level.

“I don’t know,” Phil says again, and it’s answer enough. Dan puts his head on Phil’s shoulder and just fucking bawls while Phil sits, staring straight ahead. “It’s okay,” he mumbles. Dan cries harder. “It’s okay.”

___

They end up letting Ty go because Phil won’t even talk to the police, let alone testify, and they’ve got no evidence to keep him. It’s basically his word against Phil’s, and Phil’s got no words to give. When they'd asked, he'd just insisted that it was an accident. A one time offence. Anything to get them to lay off. Phil’s pretty sure that that’s a good thing, because it would be all Phil’s fault if Tyler went to prison. He’s been the one to egg the guy on, after all. He was holding a knife. No wonder Ty freaked. He tries to explain this to Martyn, but his brother gets this horrible look on his face whenever Phil brings it up. He’s staying at their flat for a couple weeks. Phil’s not sure why, and when he asks, Martyn gets the look_ again_. “I should have known something was fucking off about him. I should have kicked him out that night you got drunk,” he admits. “I should have kicked him out. But instead, I left like a fucking pussy because I was pissed off at you for choosing his side.”

“You couldn’t have known he was going to hurt me. I shouldn't have cursed at him. I was asking for it.”

Martyn’s face gets worse, and Phil can’t help but wonder what he did wrong. Especially when Martyn stocks off, and Phil hears thumping from the next room over. Like somebody’s hitting something against the wall.

___

**_Tyler: I want to see u_**

** _ Delivered at 3:39 AM_ **

___

**_Phil: okay_**

** _ Delivered at 5:01 AM_ **

___

Phil sneaks out while Martyn and Dan are still asleep. Because now Tyler really is a dirty secret. Because he doesn’t want to see that look on Martyn’s face. Because he doesn’t want to see Dan’s sad eyes. He stands in front of Ty’s door, suddenly confronted by the reality of what’s happening in his fucking life right now. He didn’t really think much before leaving, or even on the way here, but now that he’s got his hand raised, ready to knock, he can’t help but taste soap. He doesn’t have to knock, though, because the door opens.

“Phil! I thought I heard something moving around out here,” Ty says, and he’s grinning in the stupid charming way that makes Phil’s insides all squirmy and happy. It’s that grin that guides Phil through the open door, doubt forgotten. “I’m really happy you came.”

“Me too.” Because he is.

They stare at each other for a while before Ty spreads his arms, and Phil steps into his embrace. Mint. Everything is mint. “I’m sorry for overreacting,” Tyler whispers. It’s been so long since he said he was sorry, so long since he’s admitted mistake, that Phil actually pulls back in surprise. “Are you sorry?”

“I don't exactly think I need to be sorry. I mean, I'm sorry I provoked you, I guess. It’s not like I _actually_ kissed Dan or anything. You were the one that… You were the one that tried to drown me, ” it feels wrong to be shifting the blame on to someone else. But there’s a little voice inside his head, telling him that he needs to stand up for himself. It sounds just the tiniest bit like Dan.

“Phil, it was self defense.”

“No.” It slips out before he can stop himself.

Tyler furrows his eyebrows, cupping Phil’s face with his hands. His fingers are ice cold, and Phil is reminded, once again, of warm palms resting on his hips. He wants to pull away. “You really don’t remember, do you?” Phil shakes his head. Remember what? “You went crazy, baby. Honestly. I’ve never seen you like that before. You gave me this black eye, and you… You were pointing a knife at me. You chased me around with it, screaming your head off. I did what I had to to survive.”

Something’s ringing? His phone. No. His ears. He can see it all perfectly, in his head. Tyler was shouting. And Phil? Phil had just _snapped. _He’d punched Tyler in the face. That’s where he’d gotten that black eye. Why hadn’t Phil noticed the eye when he’d walked in? Was he really that delusional? And… oh God, he’d chased Ty around the flat with a _fucking knife. _He’d almost killed his own boyfriend. He… He’d… Jesus.

_Phil?_

_ Not right fucking now._

“I didn’t tell the police because I didn’t want to you to get in trouble. I took the fall, baby.” And how awful does that make Phil feel?

“Thank you,” Phil is saying. “Thank you so much. I am so fucking sorry.”

How could he have remembered that night so wrong? He swears he can feel Ty’s hand holding him underwater, but the more he thinks about it, the looser the grip becomes. He wasn’t being drowned. He was being restrained because he _tried to kill his boyfriend with a fucking knife. _And if Ty got a little carried away, it’s only because he was scared. He was scared, and Phil had made him that way. _Crazy Phil. Crazy fucking Phil._

“I am so sorry,” he says again, but he doesn’t think words are going to cut it this time, so he tilts his head up to press his lips against Tyler’s. “Please forgive me. I’ll do anything.”

Ty doesn’t kiss back, so Phil runs his tongue along the older man’s lips until he gives in. And then his hands are everywhere, pushing up Phil’s shirt, running blunt nails over Phil’s ribcage, pulling Phil’s hips forward. His mouth is at Phil’s neck, licking the healing wound, which doesn’t feel good at all, but that’s okay. He bends Phil over the table and takes him from behind, hard and fast, and it hurts so fucking bad. He’s whispering horrible things into Phil’s ears as he slams the younger boy’s hips into the hardwood. Phil’s moaning, mostly from the pain, but he comes all over himself anyways, because he’s crazy and he deserves it.

“I love you,” Ty pants. It sounds a whole lot better than _I’ll kill you._

“I love you, too.”

___


	16. XVI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of violence and, you know, the normal stuff. no actual abuse occurs, though. just angst.

“You were with Ty.”

It’s a statement, not a question, which is good because Phil doesn’t have an answer. There’s really nowhere else he would have gone, not that early in the morning, and not without telling anyone. Maybe he should feel bad that he’s just gone and disappeared like that, but the largest part of him only wants to lock himself in his room and go to sleep. No one can bother him while he’s asleep.

“Phil?” Dan asks.

“Not right now,” Phil replies.

“He tried to fucking kill you.”

No. He was only defending himself. Defending himself from crazy Phil. And now Phil had let everyone believe that he was the victim, when he had actually been the one to chase Ty around. With a fucking knife. Like a fucking crazy person. “I gave him a black eye.”

The corner of Dan’s mouth quirks up. “Today?”

Phil is just the tiniest bit offended. “No. No. When… everything happened. I went crazy and gave him a black eye, and I chased him around, and that’s why he had to defend himself. He was only defending himself.” Dan deflates more with every word until he’s basically a balloon that’s lost all its helium. Drifting aimlessly in the wind. Phil’s done this to him; Phil’s disappointed him so badly that he’s become a shell of himself.

“You didn’t give him a black eye, Phil.”

“Yes, I did! His whole face was bruised!”

“No, you didn’t!”

“How do you fucking know?” _Calm down, Phil. Crazy Phil. Are you going to chase Dan with a knife, too?_

“Because I was the one that punched him. I gave him the black eye.”

…

_Oh._

_Phil?_

_ Yeah?_

_ Phil?_

_ …_

“Why?”

“Because he’s a fucking prick who tried to kill you.”

“But why?”

Dan’s get sad eyes again. The kind of eyes that make Phil want to kiss him. _Bloody knives. Soapy water. Knock. Knock. Police. _“Because I love you, Phil. I really do.”

“No, you don’t.” Because he doesn’t.

Dan sighs. He sounds tired, but he doesn’t try to say it again. “He’s manipulating you, Phil. He twisted everything around so that you would believe he didn’t do anything wrong. He’s a horrible person who never deserved you.”

Phil sees another picture. This time, he doesn’t hit Tyler, but his own face is smashed into the counter several times. Ty’s grip is so tight that some of his hair comes out between the older man’s fingers. Phil holds the knife, he does, but he’s not chasing anyone, just standing his ground with shaking, nervous limbs. He doesn’t feel crazy, just scared. Soapy water is going up his nose and rushing down his throat. It stings where the bubbles touch the cut on his neck.

_Phil?_

“Phil? Breathe with me. You’ve got to calm down now,” someone is saying. _Calm down, Crazy Phil. _

“I _just had sex with him,_” is the only thing Phil’s mouth wants to say. “I just had sex with the guy who tried to fucking kill me.” And Dan’s swearing, and so is Phil, because he’s more than a little pissed off. Phil wishes Dan would have fallen in love with him before Tyler broke him. “I love him, Dan,” he sobs into the younger boy’s neck, holding him close.

“I know,” Dan whispers, so quiet that Phil almost misses it. “I know.”

___

Phil gets a new phone. He also leaves the old one in Tyler’s mailbox, along with an envelope filled with a bunch of money because he doesn’t want to owe the guy anything. He lets Dan answer the door for a couple days, just in case Ty shows up at their flat when he realizes that Phil’s got a new number, too. He hasn’t shown up yet, but Phil hates answering the door anyways, so it’s okay. He loves Tyler, so much that it hurts. But he can’t help but feel relieved when a whole two weeks pass with no word from Tyler. Then he feels a little guilty for feeling relieved, but not too much. His whole room is dirty, and no matter how many times he washes stuff, it still feels tainted. So he throws everything out. Everything. Originally, he had wanted to donate most of it, but he doesn’t want anybody else to have the stuff just in case it’s cursed. He redoes everything with crappy furniture he buys online because _who really cares? _Dan helps with setting everything up, not saying anything when Phil cuts his bedsheets into pieces before throwing them in the bin. He probably just doesn’t know what to say, and that’s okay too.

He doesn’t put his old videos back online, but he does make about three new ones in the span of two days. They’re not about anything in particular, and Phil barely edits them before he uploads because he just wants to feel like he’s accomplished something. Watching them back later, he looks at his own wide-eyed face and jerky, rushed movements on the screen. He looks like a crazy person, but he supposes that that fits who he’s become now. Who Tyler’s _made _him become. He keeps the videos up and films a new one where he just rants about Game of Thrones until his ears are tired of his own voice. The video ends up being forty-five minutes long, and Phil doesn’t even watch it back once before uploading it. He’s never done anything like this before, but it feels good. Even if half of his comments are people asking if he’s okay, and the other half are people asking if he’s on drugs, it feels good.

___

Phil goes to a gay bar and gets so fucking drunk that he can’t spell his name. Then he finds a man whose curly blond hair falls on his face in just the right way. They fuck in the bathroom, and Phil whispers _I love you _in the guy’s ear as he comes. If he notices, he doesn’t say anything, but he does ask to put his number in Phil’s phone as they clean themselves up. Phil says no, because it didn’t turn out so well the last time. Because his eyes are brown instead of green. Because he smells nothing like mint.

He only remembers the next day that they didn’t use a fucking condom. He goes to the clinic, and yeah, he’s clean, but it was a close fucking call, and Phil cannot believe he was so fucking stupid. Yet, for some God unknown reason, he goes out again that night and sucks two different guys off in dark corners just because he can. Because he likes the way their hands pull at his hair. Because he likes that they don’t care about him.

Phil pretends he doesn’t see Dan sitting in the lounge when he comes home, and Dan lets him pretend.

___

They end up watching a movie together on the couch because Phil really doesn’t want to talk, but he also really wants to be with Dan. It’s a good film, but the jokes are falling flat as Phil stares straight at the screen. It seems fake, and he supposes it is, but he’s really just _struck _by how the actors are pretending. Pretending to be in love. Was Tyler pretending to be in love? Dan’s laughing, though, and Phil can feel his body shake with mirth where their arms are pressed together. He shifts a little and leans in, letting Dan wrap his arm around Phil’s shoulder, a move that shouldn’t feel as foreign and new as it does. Dan is so warm, and their thighs are pressing together now. Phil wonders if Dan is also pretending to be in love. He also wonders if it even matters as he turns to look at the brunette. He wants to dip his finger in Dan’s dimple; he wants to kiss the triangle or flushed skin on Dan’s jaw. He tilts his face up slowly, pressing his lips to Dan’s face and inhaling. He smells like warmth and love.

Dan tenses up beside him, and Phil maybe feels like he’s done something wrong, so he panics and suddenly leans forward just as Dan turns his head, connecting their lips hesitantly. Dan doesn’t kiss anything like Tyler, not that this could really even be considered a kiss with the way Dan’s eyes are wide open, and his lips are unmoving against Phil’s.

“What are you doing?” Dan questions. His voice is wobbly. His arm is steady around Phil’s shoulders.

“I thought you said you loved me,” Phil says in response. The rejection of it all makes a pressure build up behind his eyes that’s all too familiar, and he begs himself not to cry right now. His hands ball up in Dan’s shirt, clutching and twisting the material between his fingers in an attempt to draw Dan closer.

“I do love you.” His voice is still wobbly. It hurts to hear.

“Then kiss me. Please.” Phil is desperate; he can feel _want _unfurling in his stomach. He needs this. He needs Dan. “Kiss me,” he whispers, right against Dan’s mouth before leaning in again.

Dan doesn’t push him away, and after a moment, the arm around Phil’s shoulder is being used to pull their bodies closer instead of just resting there. He twists his torso so that they’re more face-to-face, so that it’s easier to get his hands in Dan’s hair and _pull. _Dan makes a noise in the back of his throat, and it sounds needier than any noise Tyler ever made, and that’s what makes Phil push Dan backwards so that he can climb onto his lap. Dan is a _really good kisser. _His palms run down Phil’s spine, and even though they’re incredibly warm, they make Phil all shivery when they come to rest on his hips. He licks into Dan’s mouth, just to taste his tongue, and he moans at the feeling of their teeth crashing together. Moans at the feeling of Dan’s hands inching under his shirt to rest on bare skin. Phil rocks his hips down, and _wow, _Dan is already hard underneath him. He rocks down again for more friction, and the other man’s fingers tighten around his waist, holding Phil down against him. _That. That is what he wants. What he needs. But it’s not enough. _

“Hold me down,” he gasps. “I want you to hurt me. I want you to fucking hurt me.” Phil keeps rolling his hips, and biting at Dan’s lips, and pulling at Dan’s hair, desperate to feel something. Desperate for Dan to press bruises into his hips and leave bite marks along his neck. Desperate to be _destroyed. _He moves his lips over Dan’s again before switching course to mouth along his jaw. It’s then that Phil realizes that Dan isn’t reacting anymore, and his palms are just pressed against Phil’s chest: not feeling, but gently trying to push him away.

“Phil,” Dan whispers, and Phil actually whines. He pushes his hips down again, and Dan throws his head back, breathing deeply. “Phil. Stop.” Phil doesn’t want to stop, because Dan needs to hurt him. If Dan wants to love him, then he also needs to hurt him. He presses his lips to the exposed column of Dan’s throat. “_Stop!”_

Phil stops. He feels sick. Dan – Dan had said no. And Phil had kept going anyways. Like a fucking crazy person. _Crazy Phil. _Just like Tyler. He’s…

He’s just like Tyler.

“Fuck. I’m sorry, Dan. I didn’t mean to… I’m so sorry.” He sounds just like Tyler, too, after the first time he’d hit Phi. He sounds exactly like fucking Tyler.

“It’s okay, Phil,” he says, and he sounds like he means it.

“This is pretty fucking far from okay,” he says, and he does mean it.

“It’s okay, Phil.”

“I thought you said you loved me,” he cries again, because that also sounds like something Tyler would say. Dan pulls him closer, offering comfort that Phil doesn’t deserve.

“I do love you,” Dan repeats, but he doesn’t kiss Phil this time, just cradles his body close. “That’s why we can’t do this. Not right now.”, And Phil thinks that Dan may be the very best person in the world. But he also thinks that he already knew that.

___


	17. XVII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of abuse and sexual assault. also, MAJOR WARNINGS OF SUICIDAL BEHAVIOUR AND OF SUICIDE (attempted, no one is dying in this fic, i promise). this is the last of the REALLY BAD STUFF. after this chapter, it becomes recovery and all that stuff. it gets better from here, folks.

Well that was a bit shit.

Because kissing Phil is literally all Dan can think about for an entire week straight. The weight of him in Dan’s lap. The world could have ended as long as Phil’s lips stayed pressed up against his. And then the world did end, in a fucked-up sort of way. Because Dan took advantage of his best friend.

It’s obvious to anyone that Phil has been spiralling. Dan watches his new videos just like he always does, and all of them are honestly just several minutes of Phil talking at no one. Just talking. Not saying anything. Not even taking the time to breathe in between sentences, just spouting out a bunch of shit. Dan picks up the extra slack by posting way more than he usually would, which is, once again, a reversal of their usual roles. He even films for the gaming channel, but it feels weird without Phil, and he doesn’t really have a not-bullshit excuse he could use for as to why his partner is missing.

The man is a wreck. He’s not eating, and even when he tells Dan that he’s going to bed, Dan hears him still moving around at around five or six in the morning. Every morning. And they both know he’s not an early riser. The only time he sleeps through the night is when he stays in Dan’s room. Which he tries not to read too much into. So, in short, that’s why Dan is the most shit person in the entire world. Because he kissed his best friend _knowing _that Phil wasn’t in the right fucking mind.

He tells this all to Martyn when he sees him next, because if anyone is going to punch Dan for being shit, it’s Martyn. But Phil’s brother just. Laughs. Like, a happy laugh. Not a _I’m going to make you eat my first _laugh.

“What’s the problem?” he asks, sipping his coffee.

“_What’s the problem? _The problem in that I made out with Phil when he clearly wasn’t ready, and I don’t even think that he feels that way about me, but I let him do it anyways because I’m so fucking _weak.”_

“You guys didn’t have sex, though?”

“What? I’m not that fucking horrible, Martyn.”

“Then, I ask again, what’s the problem? It sounds like he kissed you, and you guys were both consenting adults, which is all anyone can ask for. And then you stopped it because you knew he wasn’t ready for that yet.”

“But-“

“-No buts. Two _consenting adults _kissed a little while you watched a movie. That’s normal.” Martyn says calmly. Way too calmly. Dan’s still kinda waiting to get clocked.

“I just don’t want him to think that I don’t… want him, like that.”

“Dan, I’m going to stop you right there. I really don’t need to hear any more about my little brother’s sex life. You told him that you love him. Which, frankly, should not have come as a shock to him, but whatever. That’s all you can do.”

This is _really _not how Dan expected this conversation to go. “I wasn’t_ that_ obvious.”

Martyn snorts. “You definitely were that fucking obvious.”

___

Phil spends most nights in Dan’s room now, partly because he doesn’t want to think of Tyler breathing in his ear, pushing him up against the door. Slapping him across the face. And partly because he wants Dan to kiss him again. To press him into the mattress. And Dan, the best fucking human on the planet, spends each night curled around him like a second skin.

“What does it feel like to get roofied?” he asks, his chest tight. It’s the middle of the night, so there’s no reason that Dan should be awake. But he is, based on the way Phil hears him inhale sharply.

“I don’t know,” Dan says carefully, “Why do you ask?”

Phil wants to take his words back and stuff them in his mouth, letting them fall down his throat. “No reason.” It’s too late, he’s said it, and Dan heard. Heard it all, and he’s sitting up now, leaving Phil a little cold without the warmth of his body. “It’s nothing.”

“Tell me.”

So, Phil tells him. Because he can never really say no to Dan. Because he must want to talk about it if he brought it up in the first place. He tells Dan all about the drink, and how he’s _sure _he only had one, no matter how many times Tyler had insisted that Phil had drank a whole bottle himself. He tells Dan all about the next morning, and the bruising, and the confusion. And Dan just listens the whole time, even though it’s so late that it’s early, because that’s the kind of friend he is.

“That’s rape, Phil.”

Yeah.

…

“Phil?”

_Not right now._

“He was my boyfriend, though.”

“So?” Dan asks. _So? _Phil agrees, but only silently.

“It’s not rape if he’s my boyfriend,” Phil says, out loud this time. He really, _desperately, _wants Dan to dispute this fact. So badly. Maybe, though. Maybe Dan will agree. He can stop being such a good person and finally treat Phil like he deserves to be treated.

“That’s bullshit, and you know it,” Dan denies. Phil closes his eyes in relief. A tear slides down his cheek. “Did Tyler tell you that?”

“It was his favourite phrase.”

…

…

_Dan?_

_ Dan, are you awake?_

…

“It happened more than once. Is that what you’re saying? Because that sounds like what you’re saying.”

“He only drugged me the once. Or, I think he drugged me. Whatever. But, yeah. He only drugged me one time.”

“But he… he forced you? Other times?”

…

“I’m really tired, Dan,” Phil says, like he’s not the one who brought it up in the first place.

“Phil?”

“Not right now.”

___

“You should think about talking to someone,” Dan says the next morning. He’s tired, _really _tired, because there was no fucking way he was going to back to sleep. Not when all he could picture was bruises on Phil’s wrists and Ty’s sneering face saying _Phil likes to be held down _whenever he closed his eyes. Did it… did it happen while Dan was in the house?

Did he _sleep through it?_

_Have you ever noticed how pretty Phil is when he cries?_

There were times that some – some _noises _had made their way from Phil’s room to Dan’s during the night, and Dan had just put on his headphones. He’d assumed it was sex stuff, you know. Listening to that shit hurt because _thinking _about that shit hurt, so Dan had tuned it out. Had he ever tuned out Phil crying for help? Crying for Dan?

“I’m fine,” Phil says. Of course is. Dan wants to scream.

He sighs forcefully. “Therapy can be really good for people who have-“

“-I’m not crazy!” Phil shouts, standing up suddenly.

_Okay?_

“I never said you were!” Dan starts, but Phil’s already pulling Dan off the bed and fluffing the pillows. _What? _He’s pulling the sheets tightly over the corners of Dan’s bed and smoothing out the blanket frantically. It’s a new nervous tick that he’s developed over the past couple weeks: cleaning aggressively instead of freaking out. Normally, Dan sees it as a positive thing, because doing three loads of laundry is a lot better than crying and pulling hair out. But right now Phil looks hysteric, so drastically different than he had five minutes ago. _What? _“What are you doing?”

“I’m not crazy,” he repeats, but now he’s trying to wipe non-existent dirt off of Dan’s perfectly clean nightstand. His hands are shaking.

“Jesus, Phil, you could’ve fooled me,” Dan says. Because he’s scared, and sometimes when he’s scared, he doesn’t think before he speaks.

Phil stops in his tracks, hunched over Dan’s bed with his hands raised in mid-air over the pillows again. Dan wants to apologise, but by the time he opens his mouth, Phil is already out of the room. The door slams behind him.

___

Phil is washing the dishes. In the sink.

The water is soapy.

…

Dan’s been doing the dishes for the last couple weeks, but Phil thinks it’s probably his turn to do some work. To act a little less crazy. _Crazy Phil. _What kind of person is so broken that they can’t even do the dishes? Phil can do the dishes.

The water is soapy.

As a kid, Phil would take the bubbles from the sink and use them to give himself facial hair. He feels the urge to do that now, to just take the bubbles and make a really ridiculous beard. But that would be something a crazy person would do, so Phil does not do that.

Because Phil is not a crazy person.

…

Phil is an adult who makes YouTube videos and doesn’t check the comments because he _knows _they’re full of people asking why he’s so different. Why he’s so crazy._ I’m still me. I’m not crazy. _Except he _is_ the kind of person who holds a knife to his boyfriend. And that sounds a little crazy.

He’s washing a knife right now.

Not the same knife. Obviously. The police had taken that one because it had Phil’s blood all over it. And Ty’s fingerprints. He wonders if they’ll ever get it back, since Phil never pressed charges. Phil never pressed charges. Phil never pressed charges. Phil never…

Should he have pressed charges? That would have meant court cases. Being in the public eye even more than usual. Everyone would find out how shit a boyfriend Phil was. Shit enough that Ty had tried to kill him. Ty had tried to kill him because he was being crazy.

Because he is crazy.

Dan had said it too. _Crazy Phil. _Always forgetting who said what and who did what. Can’t even remember who mugged him. Oh wait, he can. Or can he? Him and Ty never talked about it again. Phil had no proof that someone else hadn’t broken him arm. Hadn’t slammed his head into the brick. Was that even Phil? He vaguely remembers watching it happen from down the alley. Maybe that was someone else.

Maybe Phil _did _chase Ty around with a knife.

And he’d broken up with the only person who would ever love him just because he’s _crazy. _Phil is doomed to live his life alone, pitied by his best friend and his brother. People like Dan better anyways; he’s younger and funnier and more relatable, he guesses. Phil can’t even reach a million views on his videos these days, not since he’d lost the motivation to produce and edit them properly. Tyler will find a boyfriend who isn’t as shit as Phil was, and he won’t have to hit them. Maybe Dan will move on, too. Move on to someone who isn’t so fucked up. Because Dan doesn’t love him. Dan might love old Phil.

But not crazy Phil.

No one can love crazy Phil but Tyler.

And Phil had broken up with him.

He’s just so tired.

…

…

_Phil?_

_ …_

_ Yes?_

_ The water is soapy._

…

Phil’s head feels like it’s a little soapy too. Everything is just the tiniest bit slower, making Phil hyper aware of his own body. Of his blood moving through his veins. Of his lungs expanding and compressing with each breath. Of his blinking. But he’s not sure what _exactly _is happening outside of his body. He can see, but it’s like he can’t quite figure out what’s in front of him. He can feel the bubbles on his tongue. If he thinks really hard, he can still remember what _Dan’s _tongue tastes like. It’s a nice thought, but it makes Phil really sad. Because he’ll never get to kiss Dan again.

He’ll never get to kiss anyone again.

…

_Phil?_

_ …_

He’ll never get to...

_Phil?_

_ …_

_ I’m okay._

_ This is okay._

_ Do you think they let crazy people into Heaven?_

_ .._

_ .._

_ ._

_ Dan?_

_ Dan, where are you?_

_ I want to kiss you again._

_ I love you._

_ The water is soapy._

_"_Phil? What are you doing?”

Phil must have really bad reception, because this call sounds like shit. He doesn’t remember getting on the phone. _Crazy Phil._

_……._

“Shit. Shit. Fuck, Phil. What have you done?”_ Is that Dan? I want to kiss you, Dan. I want to kiss you so bad. _When did he get here? Phil supposes they were never on the phone in the first place. He sounds so upset. Phil doesn’t want Dan to be upset, he just wants to kiss him. He tries to say this, but his mouth doesn’t seem to be working. Like, the words are there in his throat, but they won’t come out. That’s okay, because Dan is talking enough for the both of them. Even if he’s fading in and out a bit. _Really shitty reception._

“Ambulance, I need an ambulance.”

Fades out. Fades in.

“There’s so much fucking blood.”

_Blood?_

_ The water is soapy._

_ But it’s also very red._

_ The bubbles are all red._

Dan sounds really upset. It makes Phil feel really horrible. Can’t he see that this is okay? He’ll miss Dan too, of course. But it’s okay.

…

_ Phil?_

_ Not._

_ Right._

_ Now._

_ …_

Dan’s holding a towel up to his arms and squeezing it really, really tight. It hurts. But he doesn’t think Dan would do that on purpose, so he tries to tell him that it really hurts. That he should let go. Let go of Phil. His mouth still won’t work. Dan’s mouth works. He’s still talking. Or maybe he’s just crying now. Phil isn’t crying, because _this is okay. _It hurts to look at Dan’s face right now. It’s all red and blotchy. And wet. So he screws his eyes shut.

“Keep your fucking eyes open, Phil. Don’t fucking do this to me. Please. Please stay awake. I need you. I need you so fucking bad, _please._” Phil doesn’t want to listen to this. It feels bad. So bad.

How did they get on the ground?

Phil just wants to go to sleep.

Why won’t anyone let him go to sleep?

_ Don’t cry, Dan. Don’t cry. It’s okay._

_ I love you._

_ I’m sorry._

_I love you._

_ …_

_ Phil?_

_ Hm…. Not right now, I think._

_ Then when? This is our last chance, I think._

_ …_

_ If I answer, can I go to sleep?_

_ Yes._

_ …_

_ Okay._

_ Phil?_

_ Yes?_

_ …_

_ I’m scared._

_ …_

_ Do you think they let crazy people into Heaven?_

_ …_

_ I’m scared._

_ ._

_ ._

_ ._

_ . _

_ ._

_ ._

_ ._

_._

_____


	18. XVIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, so there's talk of attempted suicide and abuse in this chapter, but nothing actually happens. it's almost finished! this chapter and the next two are basically just healing and some much needed sappy romance. phil, just like me, needed to hit rock bottom before he was ready to accept help. and he is super ready now. also, he moves on very quickly. it's only really a couple months before he kind of starts something with dan, which i know is a very short amount of time. it takes a very long time for someone to learn to love themselves again, so i narrated it in this and the next couple chapters instead of showing every part, since i figured no one wanted to read fifty chapters. and i didn't really want to write fifty chapters. phil isn't completely okay, and that does get addressed, but he's doing a lot better as a result of the therapy. thanks for reading!

_You attempted suicide, _they say. Which sounds very official. Very dramatic. Phil just wanted to go to sleep. He still wants to go to sleep, but they only let him sleep when it’s night time. Not during the day. During the day, he has to talk to people. A lot of people, who ask him a lot of questions. About the knife. About his childhood. About his career. About Dan. About the time he got mugged. About Tyler.

He talks, too. Because the doctors say talking might help him feel like his old self. And that sounds really good. It’s been a while since the old him has made a reappearance. Phil is excited to get reacquainted with him.

Plus, he secretly thinks that he might be in over his head.

He doesn’t want to _die. _He just wants to go to sleep. He wants to see Dan.

_If you don’t get better, _they say_, you can’t see Dan. _And Phil really wants to see Dan.

So, he tells the doctors the truth about his broken arm. It’s a start. Eventually, he’s telling them things not only because he wants to see Dan, but because he wants to get it off his chest. Because he wants to be better. He tells them about _I love you _and _I’m sorry _and _back and forth back and forth back and forth. _He also asks them if they think crazy people can still get into Heaven.

_Yes, _they say, _but you’re not crazy. You just need a little help._

___

“I didn’t know it was that bad.” Martyn wrings his hands together, standing in the doorway of Phil’s hospital room. Phil’s got a roommate, so he gestures his brother inside and gets up to pull the privacy curtain closed. He’s been out of critical care for a week now, but now he’s still stuck in the psych ward. Like psychosis. Like crazy.

_You’re not crazy. You just need a little help._

“Me neither,” Phil says, because it’s the truth. And then Martyn cries, and Phil apologizes, which only makes Martyn cry harder. Phil makes everyone cry these days. They talk a bit. Mostly about Tyler. But neither of them bring up the knife or the blood red bubbles. Martyn’s been over to see Dan twice, and that reminds Phil who he really wants to talk to. No offence to his brother, of course. He just wants to see Dan. But Phil’s only allowed family visits right now.

_If you don’t get better, you can’t see Dan._

Phil wants to get better.

But he really upset Dan. When he thinks of that night, he thinks of Dan’s red, blotchy face. He’s crying. Phil’s not crying, but he feels bad. He’s a little worried that Dan may not want to see him, since he’d upset him so badly. But he’ll have to get better to find out.

He talks to Martyn a bit more.

It’s actually kind of nice.

___

His mum holds his hand and cries for about an hour. There is _so much crying _going on right now. Every time Phil thinks she’s going to stop, she looks into his eyes and bursts into tears again. Eventually, the doctors make her leave because Phil’s not quite sure what to do, and he panics a little. Or a lot. He panics a lot.

She comes back later, once they’ve both calmed down. And it’s okay that Phil got worked up. The doctors don’t call him a fuck up. His mum doesn’t say he’s crazy. Just holds his hand and _smiles. _It’s okay that her eyes are sad because Phil’s eyes feel a little sad too.

___

One morning, Phil wakes up and Dan is just _there. _Sitting by his bedside, playing on his switch. He’s not paying much else any mind, so Phil take the opportunity to study the younger man’s face. He’s got a little stubble, something that Phil’s literally never seen. It’s weird. Just like the deep purple bags under his eyes. Did Phil do this? Make Dan look like this?

_Phil?_

_ Not everything is your fault._

This one is, though. He keeps seeing Dan’s face from that night. Blotchy. Red. Wet.

“I didn’t know if you were coming.”

Dan looks up. _Finish your game, _Phil wants to say. _Don’t stop because of me._

“Of course I came,” Dan says with a grin. The smile looks a little forced and stiff, but he's not getting upset, so Phil thinks that maybe he’d talked to Phil’s mum. Either way, he’s glad, because the last thing he wants to deal with right now is more tears. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

It comes out sounding like _I love you._

___

All things come to an end, whether good or bad. That’s what Phil thinks as he gets discharged, because the hospital may not be the best place to be, but he’s also sad to leave. And maybe a little scared. But Dan’s waiting to take him home, so it’s okay. Sad things don’t always have to be horrible. And horrible things don’t always have to be scary.

Which is what leads him to his next point. “I want to see Tyler.”

For a while, Phil thinks that maybe Dan didn’t hear him. It’s not particularly loud inside their flat, but he does seem preoccupied, and Phil himself has been known to miss entire conversations just because his mind wandered away. So, he says it again, but Dan still doesn’t respond. They stand around in silence for a while, Phil looking straight at Dan, and Dan messing around with Phil’s bags.

“Why?” he finally says. He sounds as tired as Phil must look, which makes him feel a little horrible again. But not scared. Horrible does not have to mean scared.

_Why _is not really a question that Phil knows how to answer. Sometimes, Phil will say something completely nonsensical. Like, he’ll start a sentence and get lost along the way, not really sure how to tie it all up. But Dan always knows exactly what he means. Can translate the nonsense. This is not one of those times.

“It’ll be in a public place,” he says instead of an explanation.

“I _can’t, _Phil. I can’t let you get hurt again.” _I’m sorry, _Phil wants to say, because he is.

“I don't want to get back with him, or anything. I promise I’ll be fine.”

Dan lets out a low noise from the back of his throat. It’s not horrible, but it is a little scary. But that’s okay. “You don’t understand. I physically _can’t let you get hurt again. _I can’t handle it.”

“_You _can’t handle it?”

“Yeah, Phil, I can’t handle it. You tried to _kill yourself._” Phil flinches. That hasn’t been a topic of conversation for Phil with anyone but his doctors, and even then, they use clinical terms like _attempted suicide. Kill yourself _sounds a lot harsher somehow. A lot more real. “I had to pry the knife out of your hands, Phil, you were pressing it into your skin so hard. You stopped breathing in my arms just before the paramedics got here. If I hadn’t come out of my room, I don’t… I don’t know, Phil. I’ve never been that terrified in my entire fucking life.”

Phil puts his hands over his ears. It’s okay. And he’s sorry that Dan’s upset, he really is, but he also feels like he has to deal with himself, because he’s kind of freaking out a little. Phil has checked out of the building to take care of Phil. He pretends that he’s watching this from down the hall until it feels real. Until Dan is yelling at somebody else, and Phil is just watching. On the outside, looking in.

“I’m sorry,” the guy with Phil’s face says. He sounds sad. Phil’s sorry that that guy’s upset as well. But he’s still busy checking on himself. It’s quiet now, though. Dan’s not yelling at that guy anymore, so Phil supposes they’ll both be alright on their own.

There’s a hand on Phil’s knee. He looks up. Dan is staring into his eyes, and they’re in the lounge, so he guesses that means he doesn’t get to watch from down the hall anymore. “Never tell me you’re sorry again,” he whispers. The words sound an awful lot like d_on’t ever tell me what to do again, _even though they don’t feel like the purple wrists that had followed. Phil doesn’t like the word _never, _though. It fits into too many phrases. Phrases like _let’s never fight again, _and _you never listen, _and _I’ll never do that again. _

They sit together for a while. Phil calms down all by himself, even when Dan tries to help. Because he doesn’t want to be dependent on anybody ever again. Then Phil calms Dan down, too, because he’s gotten pretty good at that sort of thing in the past couple weeks. Words of affirmation, casual affection, loving encouragement. That’s all it takes, really. For a second, he wishes he knew about that while he was dating Ty, because maybe that could have spared Phil a few bruised ribs. He pushes that thought away. It was not his responsibility to make sure Tyler kept his hands to himself.

“I still want to see him,” Phil says, when it’s all over. He doesn’t think he’ll have the energy to fight about it again tomorrow.

Dan nods, but he won’t look at Phil. He’s not looking at anything, really. “I had to clean it up, you know.”

“What?”

“The blood. I had to clean it up. Both times. The second was worse, though, because there was more, and I knew that you had put it there on purpose.”

_Oh. Fuck._

“We’ll move. Somewhere with a dishwasher.”

“I guess.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I hate him.”

“I’m sorry,” Phil says again. The bandages around his arms feel itchy. It’s not okay, but Phil has faith that it will be.

___

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Phil says from across the dining room table. He sounds so earnest, yet Dan can’t even figure out what he’s talking about.

“What d’you mean?” he mumbles around a mouthful of noodles.

Phil hasn’t touched his food, and he’s just pushing it around the plate in uneven figure-eights. “When I… hurt myself. It wasn’t about you. It wasn’t about anything, really. I wasn’t in control.” Dan’s got this knack for really wanting to avoid uncomfortable situations, and this conversation is really getting there. But this is _Phil, _and he figures that it’s important that they actually talk about it, talk about what went wrong.

“I know that. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay, Dan. It’s really not. I know that it’s messed you up. And you had been such a good friend: responding to emails for me, talking to my mum, tweeting for me. You’re my best friend in the entire world, and I’m sorry that I might have made you feel like you weren’t enough for me to want to stay here.”

About a minute ago, Dan was fine. Better than fine, really, because these noodles were really fucking good, and Phil was sitting across from him at the table, and it felt a little bit like how things used to before everything went down. Now he’s about to cry like a fucking baby, because Phil is more important to him than anyone on the whole planet, and he almost lost him. “I just wish you would have talked to me, I guess. About what was going on inside your head. I know it’s not the same, but I’ve been dealing with depression since forever, and I just think I might have been able to help.”

“I wish I would have talked to you, too. But you’re not a therapist, and you didn’t deserve to have all my problems dumped on you like that. And I didn’t even know that I was getting that bad. Like, I knew I was feeling like shit, but I wasn’t even having suicidal thoughts until it happened.” He plays with a longer strand of his hair, and Dan really wants to tuck it behind his ear. “You know I’m not great at talking about my feelings, or whatever. But my therapist suggested that I talk to you, since what I did affected you as well.”

“I’m fine, Phil, just worried about you.”

“You’re not fine. We lie in bed at night, but you’re not even sleeping. Sometimes, when you think I’m asleep, you just sit up and watch me. I know you do. That’s not normal, Dan. And it sucks that I’ve made you so fucking scared that you think you have to watch over me all the time.”

Well that’s embarrassing. He thought he’d been sneaky, waiting until the older man’s breathing had evened out and stayed that way for like twenty minutes, but clearly Phil was a lot more observant than Dan gave him credit for. “I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he says, tracing his fingers over the ridges of his placemat. He still feels like he might cry.

“I’m sorry,” Phil says, and not in the scared, panicked way he used to, like he was shielding himself with words.

Dan almost says _it’s okay, _because he knows none of this is Phil's fault, but he also knows how hard it must have been for Phil to talk about this, and he doesn’t want to cheapen the effort by brushing everything off. “I forgive you,” he says instead, placing his hand palm-up on the table, a clear invitation.

Phil studies it for a moment before loosely tangling their fingers together. The touch feels electric in the way that touching Phil always has, but for once, Dan thinks the other man may have felt it too. Phil smiles faintly, finally starting to eat his dinner, and yeah, settling for only watching Phil while he’s awake could also be fine.

___

Two months go by. And then three. Phil steadily goes from seeing his therapist twice a week to once every two weeks, and it’s not even scary in the slightest. Him and Dan haven’t moved yet, but they’re looking for another place in the area. Going to showings together turns out to be a lot of fun, because they play this game where they act like a married couple. Real gross and sappy stuff, where Dan holds all the doors open for his ‘husband’, and Phil takes every opportunity to kiss him noisily on the cheek. It’s all fun and games, really, just to see how uncomfortable they can make the realtor. That’s all it is. A way to pass the time while they look at tiled bathroom after tiled bathroom, and tiny bedroom after tiny bedroom. Secretly, Phil thinks they only need a place with one bedroom, not two. Because he never wants to spend the night without Dan again.

Because he’s hopelessly, madly in love.

And won’t say a word.

___

The thing is, he doesn’t really feel any different. In Phil’s eyes, Dan’s the same person he’s always been. Kind, and obnoxious, and funny, and beautiful. Really, the most logical explanation is that he’s always been in love with the guy, to a certain extent. His feelings definitely haven’t changed, just intensified. They’ve been named. And there really should be nothing stopping Phil from acting on them.

Except, actually, there’s a lot stopping Phil from acting on them.  
___

Ty agrees to meet him in a Starbucks. Not a big deal. Dan comes too, because he had to clean it up. Twice. Phil makes him sit at another table.

“How have you been?” Ty asks. Another question Phil doesn’t know how to answer. _I was really fucking bad for a while. I slept with strangers. I jumped Dan. I destroyed my YouTube channel. I got rid of pretty much everything I own. I tried to kill myself._

“Fine,” he says, because he really doesn’t want the older man to know the effect he had on Phil. He does not ask Ty how he’s been, because he doesn’t really care.

“I’ve been going to counselling. For my anger,” he comes up with anyways. It’s a surprise, actually. A nice one. The part of Phil that lies awake at night wondering if Tyler’s just going to hurt someone else lies down to take a nap. His blond hair curls down into his green eyes, just the way Phil remembers it. For such a monster, he manages to look so very human.

Phil takes a sip of his coffee. He knows it’s way sweeter than anything Tyler would like. “That’s really great, Ty. I’m so happy for you.”

“And I’m so happy that you wanted to meet me. I’ve gotta say, you look good.”

Almost self-consciously, Phil brings a hand up to brush his fringe. It’s all grown back now, and Dan took him out to get it dyed and cut properly. And he’s been gaining weight – good weight – since he got home from the hospital, so he’s not so bony and gaunt anymore. He knows he must look a lot better than he did when he last saw Tyler. “Thanks.”

“Thank _you _for giving me this second chance.”

_What?_

“What?”

Tyler’s eyes go really big, like they used to before he’d start to get mean, and Phil retreats back into his shell a little bit despite himself. “I thought you wanted to get back together? That’s why we’re getting coffee at the place we had our first date.” And _that’s _funny, because Phil hadn’t even realized that this was the same place. It feels like it was lifetimes ago.

“No. No, we’re not getting back together, Tyler. Are you serious? Do you even remember all the shit you did?” Old Phil would have _never_ talked to Tyler like this. But new Phil hates the word _never. _

“Then what the fuck are you doing here, Phil?” Angry. He’s angry now. And Phil’s heart is beating erratically in his chest, but he takes a big breath. Because they’re in a public place. Dan is here. Phil can control his own emotions.

“I don’t know,” he replies. And he doesn’t.

“I can’t believe you,” Tyler spits. Phil considers pretending that he’s watching this from another table, but decides to stay, because the coffee is really good, and Phil doesn’t want to watch as some other guy with his face gets to drink it. Oh, and also because he needs Tyler to know that his words don’t fucking hurt anymore.

“You don’t have to,” Phil sighs.

“You’re really fucking heartless, you know? I’m going to counselling for you. You think I _want _to go? I thought you loved me, Phil. I guess it was all a goddamn lie. I thought you loved me.”

“I really did. Maybe I still do.” That was the problem.

“Then stay. If you don’t stay, who is going to love _you_?”

…

_Phil?_

_ I’m right here. It’s okay._

_ …_

Phil makes eye contact with Dan across the café. The brunette smiles gently, his dimples popping out on either side of his face, and it’s like him and Phil are the only two people in the room. Suddenly, Phil knows why he needed to come here. He knows what he needs to say.

…

“I’m going to love myself.” And it’s true. He is.

He gets up, and so does Dan, which is exactly when Tyler seems to put two and two together. “Oh, great. Your little pet faggot is here. You really moved on fast, Phil. Unless you were fucking him the whole time. I guess I was right. You’re such a slut, Phil. You always were.”

“Fuck you,” Dan says, but not like he’s trying to start a fight. “You’re pathetic.” Dan and Phil are the only two people in the entire world right now. Phil’s sure of it.

“Goodbye, Tyler,” he says, because he’s ready to go home. They walk to the exit, and Phil’s not in a rush. Maybe he should want to get out of here as fast as possible, but it’s really hard to be scared when Dan’s looking at him like he’s never been more proud in his entire life.

“I love you!” Tyler yells at their backs as Dan pushes the door open. Phil links their hands together. His pulse in steady.

“No,” he calls back. “You don’t.”

___


	19. XIX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's talk of abuse and stuff in this chapter, but obviously nothing actually happens! we're in healing mode now. also, there's a little tiny bit of sex at the end, but i didn't make it super graphic. i pretty much fast-forwarded all the foreplay and stuff. i originally had a whole long sex scene written, but i felt it didn't really fit in this fic, so i took it out.   
i can't believe this is the second to last chapter! so, as you know, this is loosely based on my own experiences. it's not exactly the same, obviously, especially the whole police involvement thing. it was a bigger deal, legal wise, for me, because i was (unfortunately) a minor, and he was (unfortunately) not. so the police had to get involved. but anyways, phil makes a video about his experiences in this chapter. i never did that, because this fic is kind of like my video. so, if any of this rings true to anyone, please (i am begging you), get help before it's too late.

They move out the next month. Close, but far enough that Phil doesn’t worry coming face-to-face with green eyes every time he opens the door. The new place even has a doorman, who doesn’t let anybody up to their apartment without good reason. It’s been a while since Phil’s spent every moment terrified, but the added security still helps. They’ve got a dishwasher, which is nice for both the obvious reason and because Phil never really liked scrubbing plates anyways.

There are two bedrooms, but the second gets turned into a gaming room without conversation because they only brought one bed with them anyways. It’s fine for two platonic friends to sleep in the same bed every night. It’s fine.

Phil still hasn’t said a word about it.

Because now that he’s faced with the reality of loving Dan, it all feels a whole lot harder.

He’s a different person now. Not the empty, abused shell that Tyler created, but also not the naïve, vulnerable person he was before all this started. And Phil’s honestly still getting to know this new person. This person who still gets nightmares but doesn’t let it wreck his whole day. Who smiles at strangers on the street but can’t do small talk if they have green eyes. New Phil still loves Dan, but will Dan still love new Phil?

They unpack the last of the boxes, and Phil orders a pizza. He tries a bunch of new toppings that look like they probably don’t all go together, but whatever. Dan doesn’t look peeved about it, and they sit together out on the balcony while they eat, watching the sun set over the high rises. Dan makes a stupid joke about friends eating sausage pizza together that has Phil nearly crying with laughter. He lets his tongue get caught in between his teeth in the way that Ty used to hate, because Ty’s not here and that’s the way Phil wants to smile. He looks over to take another one of the crusts that Dan _never eats _and is struck by the way the other man is already looking at him.

With a very specific look on his face.

It’s a _because I’m in love with you _kind of face, but a whole lot less painful.

“What?” Phil asks, tilting his head.

“You’re beautiful,” Dan answers. Phil can’t help but believe him.

___

He sets up his tripod. And the lights. And the camera. This isn’t something he wants to do, but it’s something that he needs to. Phil plans it for _weeks, _from the script down to what shirt he’s going to wear.

Dan’s always been better at this kind of thing: he’s better at getting personal with his audience. Phil likes to film little silly videos for people’s entertainment, not long, angsty things that delve into his subconscious. He doesn’t want his viewers to worry about him, so he leaves a lot off stuff out, and instead focuses on the bad. But, he really does need to do this. People all over the world are going through this same thing, and they might not have a Dan to help them heal. That’s why Phil decides he needs to film. Not for him, but for anyone who might need to hear it.

He doesn’t apologise for being gone even though it was in the original script, because Dan says that he doesn’t owe anyone anything except himself. He does, however, talk about his relationship with Tyler. He talks about it a lot. It’s not the first time he’s said it out loud. He’s been going to therapy for three months, for fuck’s sake. It hurts regardless, but in a good way.

He leaves Ty’s name out of it. The livestream they’d done together and the video they’d filmed with Dan are both still private, so that’s good. And it’s honestly been about a year since all that anyways, with no indication that he and Tyler had continued to date after the video. He could really be speaking about anyone. Phil knows that people will draw their own conclusions, but he also figures that if Tyler didn’t want to get talked about, then he shouldn’t have done all this shit.

It’s not perfect. He doesn't want to get too graphic, considering the fact that some of his viewers are quite young, so a lot of stuff gets left out. He keeps the big stuff, like the first time Tyler hit him and his broken arm, but a lot of it is just hinted at. The main point of this video is to talk about Phil's own mistakes, after all. About all the times he should have realised that their relationship wasn't right. About all the times he should have left. He doesn’t talk about kissing Dan, and he doesn’t talk about _because I’m in love with you, _and he doesn’t talk about _I had to clean it up, _because those feel like private moments. Like Dan’s stories to tell. Phil’s still proud of it, though. Proud of himself.

While he edits, he has a panic attack. What if Tyler sees the video and comes to their flat? What if he tries to kill Phil? Or tries to kill Dan? He calms himself down using breathing exercises, and it’s fine, because they’ve moved out and Tyler has no idea where they live. It ends up being over an hour long, but it’s an hour that Phil needed to make. His hands shake as he copies links for domestic abuse webpages in the description. He cries as he types out the number for a suicide hotline at the end screen.

He hears the video playing in the bedroom, which means Dan is watching it even though he’d read through every draft of the script twice. Phil stands outside the door and just listens to it play. Listens to Dan sniffle and sob at the tough parts. Listens to him laugh at the jokes, because Phil is a lighthearted person and included quite a few. Listens to Dan hit replay as it comes to an end.

He’s not sure whether the bone-crushing hug Phil gets after the third replay is for his own benefit or Dan’s, but he also figures it doesn’t matter since they’re both crying anyway. Dan kisses both his cheeks and his nose and his forehead, and it feels just like a promise_. _They stand in the kitchen and just hold each other until Phil’s not sure where he ends and Dan begins. People have been saying that they might as well be the same person since 2009, but this is the first time Phil feels like he’s good enough to even consider it.

_I love you, _he wants to say.

“I’m in love with you,” he says, because that leaves a lot less room for interpretation.

Dan leans back from their hug just a little, and he just stares. Stares like Phil’s just hung all the stars in the damn sky.

Then they’re kissing.

It’s so sweet that Phil thinks he may just melt into a puddle. Dan’s lips are soft and gentle, and every time they move against Phil’s, it feels like a suggestion rather than a demand. His big hands come up to cup Phil’s face reverently, his thumbs stroking up and down Phil’s cheekbones with feather-light attention. The kiss doesn’t feel like it’s going anywhere, and that’s okay. That’s better than okay, because it means that Dan is going to keep kissing Phil like he’s something precious in the middle of their kitchen, and he doesn’t even want anything else.

“I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone,” Dan whispers, pressing their foreheads together. His hands haven’t strayed from Phil’s face.

“You just had to one up me,” Phil groans, but he’s smiling. Dan smiles too, and it’s a little harder to kiss like that, but they make it work.

___

Dating Dan is a lot like being friends with Dan. Except for the kissing. That’s very new. And very welcome. And it’s stupid stuff, too, because Phil doesn’t have to wonder if he’s crossing an unspoken line before tracing Dan’s dimple with his fingers, and he doesn’t have to feel weird about letting their hugs linger for several moments longer than platonically acceptable. Dan doesn’t get his patented _sad eyes _nearly as often, which makes Phil ponder the cause of them in the first place.

“When did you realise that you loved me?” Phil asks, wrapping an arm around Dan’s waist. They’re out to dinner, which is not very new, but it’s now technically classified as a _date, _which is completely new. Dan doesn’t really respond, just laughs _extremely _loudly and takes another bite of his pasta. Phil leaves it be.

“When did you realise that you loved me?” he asks again, when they’ve retired to their bedroom, curling around each other as they so often do.

Dan is silent for some time, and for a moment, Phil is sure he’s going to avoid the question again. He cards his fingers through Phil’s hair, running blunt nails softly over his scalp. “Long time ago,” he whispers. Phil leaves it be.

The next morning is nice, because Phil wakes up before Dan, and he gets to watch as the light comes in through the blinds and illuminates his freckled cheeks. When he does get up, he’s cold, and it’s going to take a while for the heat to turn on, so Phil wraps himself up in one of Dan’s hoodies. He inhales deeply, closing his eyes at the smell of _warmth. _

“Get back in bed, you weirdo,” Dan mumbles, his voice a little thick and groggy. “It’s too early.”

“Your mum’s a weirdo,” Phil says, but he flops back into the mattress anyways. “It’s almost noon.” Dan hums unintelligibly, tugging him closer and burying his face in the back of Phil’s neck.

“You’re wearing my hoodie.”

“I think it’s _our _hoodie.”

Dan hums again, and Phil thinks that maybe he's really gone back to sleep. He’s about to let himself do so as well, because he really wants to shirk off responsibilities a bit, when Dan speaks up in a low rumble. “Since I first watched one of your videos.”

“What?” Phil laughs, wondering if Dan is in the middle of a weird dream.

“I’ve loved you since I first saw one of your videos.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m not joking,” Dan whispers from behind him, throwing a leg over Phil’s hip in an attempt to bring their bodies closer.

“Don’t be silly, Dan, that’s impossible. You didn’t even know me.”

“Maybe not, but the first time I saw you laugh, I knew that I needed to be your friend. I didn’t even know it was love at the time, but I fell so fucking fast, Phil. And when we met, and we started to become what we are today, I just loved you more. And I still love you more every day.” Dan’s words are still soft and muddled with sleep, so much so that it’s probable that he won’t even remember the conversation in the morning.

Phil lies there, eyes wide, listening to Dan’s heavy breathing. His eyes are prickly, like he might cry, but he doesn’t feel sad. Not at all, really. His chest feels tight around his heart as a smile tugs at the corners of his lips. Dan’s pressed up against his back, and Phil can feel each rumble from the younger’s chest as he snores.

“I love you, too,” he says, even though Dan’s definitely asleep.

___

Dan used to think he was going to die before age twenty. He wasn’t upset about it, or anything. It was just a fact. The sky is blue, the moon is 384,400 kilometres away, Dan is going to die before age twenty. Things had just seemed so fucking pointless. Dan wasn’t anything special. He hated himself, and his body, and his questionable sexuality, and for a while, it seemed like everyone else did too. The world just moved way too fast for Dan, and no one was willing to slow down and wait for him to catch up.

Then he met Phil.

Phil was a lot like Dan in a lot of ways. He didn’t like to go outside much, and he liked Muse, and he was proudly gay in the way Dan wished he could be. But he was also different, in all the best ways. Dan always liked to be the centre of attention, despite all the kids who had tried to beat it out of him. He just wanted people to _like _him, and nothing says _we like you _more than applause. Phil isn’t great in front of new people or crowds in the way that Dan figures out he is. He’s normally a fairly confident guy, but he just _freezes_ when he's out in front of people and he's not prepared_. _But Dan finds it so endearing. Animals like him, too. Like, they don’t hate Dan, but they just seem drawn to Phil like he’s some kind of fucking Disney princess. Which is wonderful, and amazing. Phil is so kind, and he doesn’t even have to try to be nice in the way that Dan has to sometimes. He doesn’t have the same kinds of awful thoughts about people. And Dan loves that. Loves _Phil, _as he quickly (and terrifyingly) realises.

But what he likes most about Phil is that he’s always been willing to slow down and wait for Dan to catch up.

Dan still thinks about dying sometimes. But he gets past twenty without even thinking about it. Because Phil is there, and Phil showed him how to love himself.

And then Phil had started seeing that awful man, and it all almost fell apart. Dan may have never loved anyone as much as he loves Phil, but he’s also never hated anyone as much as he hates Tyler. At first, he hated him because he had taken Phil away. Dan’s feelings towards Phil were a very poorly kept secret. He lived his life _loudly, _with his emotions on his sleeve, and it was honestly fucking astounding that Phil hadn’t figured it all out years ago. Tyler figured it out, though. Dan could hear them arguing about it all the time. And he tried to push his feelings down, because he didn’t want his love to be used as a weapon in Tyler’s fight. But the more he tried to forget about Phil, the harder he fell in love. And it hurt so fucking badly to know that Phil thought the only person who could love him was the same person who pushed bruises into his skin.

Dan had held Phil when he stopped breathing, surrounded by more blood than he had thought possible. He’d screamed as he’d shook the other man, just begging him to _come back. _And later, when the paramedics arrived, he’d stood off to the side, still screaming, just begging to a god that he didn’t even fucking believe in to make Phil okay. To take Dan instead, even.

For a second, it had really seemed like Phil was gone. And that was the worst fucking thought Dan had ever had. If Phil was gone, Dan was sure he was never going to make it to thirty. Not without his best friend.

But Phil came home. They saved him, and then Phil saved himself. He went to therapy, even got put on meds for a bit, and he got fucking better. And Dan was okay with the fact that Phil would never love him in the same was that Dan loved Phil, as long as Phil was okay and happy and alive. He does, though. He loves Dan, and he tells him so every fucking day, and it’s like the world has finally decided it can stop raining on Dan’s fucking parade.

You might think that finally being with the person you’ve been building up in your head since you were eighteen might turn out to be a little disappointing, but it’s not. It’s even better than Dan could have literally ever imagined, and he had imagined it to be pretty fucking awesome.

___

“You don’t love me!” Phil screams, his heart pounding in his chest. If Dan truly loved him, there’s no way he would ever do this. No way he would ever sacrifice their relationship for petty victory.

“There’s no room for love in Mario Kart, Phillip!” Dan cackles before sending the blue shell hurtling towards his boyfriend’s car.

Phil groans as he watches his avatar flip up and wipe out, going from first to fourth place _right _in front of the finish line. And, of course, Dan just speeds right by him, not care in the world, claiming the win for himself. “I hate you,” he says, using his feet to try to push Dan off the couch. “I really do. I want to break up.”

“Sure, Phil,” Dan laughs, but he’s got a very affectionate look on his face. “Whatever you want.”

___

They try to have sex several times before Phil can actually go through with it. It’s like, one second he’s fine, because Dan’s mouth running over Phil’s collarbones is really hot, and Dan’s hand massaging Phil’s cock through his jeans is _also _really hot, but then the next second he’s _definitely not fine. _Because Dan holding his wrists above his head makes him think of _back and forth back and forth back and forth _no matter how gentle the other man is.

Dan says he’s not upset, but Phil can see the scared look in his eye whenever Phil bursts into tears in the middle of a hand job. He doesn’t want to scare Dan. He was also kind of enjoying the hand job before it morphed into a two-day hangover coupled with unexplained bruises.

“I’m okay,” he sobs, “We can keep going.” He can’t stop shaking. Dan tries to touch his shoulder in comfort, but his skin feels like it’s covered in exposed wire, and Phil shouts, “Don’t touch me!” before he can stop himself. Dan pulls his arm back like he really _was _shocked. Phil is so fucking sick of crying.

“I’m sorry,” Dan says, even though it’s not his fault.

And it _really _fucking sucks because he and Dan have kissed in every way and position possible, and while it’s still really good, he also wants _more. _He just wants to have sex with his boyfriend, for the love of God. And, yeah, he’s had sex since Tyler, but this would be the first time it would actually _mean _anything. But maybe that’s the problem, because it also meant something with Tyler.

___

“Are you sure?” Dan asks for the fifth time that night, and Phil loves him _so much._ He’s not been sat in his boyfriend’s lap for the past half-hour, kissing their mouths raw, just to go jerk off by himself. But his mouth is occupied sucking a neat little bruise on Dan’s Adam’s apple, so he just hums in affirmation. Because he’s so sure. Even more so when Dan takes the opportunity to slide his hands over Phil’s ass and _squeeze. _Fuck.

___

Dan’s brain has fucking clocked out. He’s staring dumbly at the beautiful man in his lap, wondering what the fuck he did to earn _this. _To deserve Phil. They’re kissing, and, yeah, Dan can handle that, until Phil shifts his hips a little, and Dan moans at the friction against his dick. “You’re still good?” he asks again, dragging his nails over Phil’s zipper.

“Yes,” Phil pants, standing up to wiggle out of his skinnies, which Dan is eternally grateful for because that man is wearing _far too many clothes. _And now Phil is naked, which is really fucking great, and Dan thinks that maybe he should get himself naked as well.

___

Sex with Dan is something Phil could get used to. The younger man is _very _good at it, which is strange, considering Phil's well aware of how little partners he's had in the past few years. He's definitely not complaining, though. Definitely not. Dan presses his lips all over Phil’s face as he bottoms out, and Phil just lets them be connected for a another moment, breathing in their shared air. Dan exhales little broken noises into his ear, and Phil starts to shift his hips, urging him to move. The brunette takes the hint, raising himself up on Phil's lap just to drop down again and again, not too slow, but not too fast. “I love you,” Phil gasps.

“I love you, too,” Dan gasps. “You’re so beautiful, sweetheart. So pretty.” Phil thinks he could come from Dan’s words alone. Dan presses his hands against Phil's chest as Phil runs his fingers over Dan's thighs. “You alright?”

“Yes. Yes, fuck. I’m so good.” He's thrusting up to meet Dan now, and judging by the noises he's making, hitting Dan's prostrate almost every time. And it’s literally _so good. _Sex has never felt this good with anyone before, Phil’s sure of it. “I’m close, Dan.” He can feel it coiling in is abdomen.

Dan’s head tilts his head forward to press their mouths together again, but Phil is struck dumb buy his red eyes and wet cheeks.

_No. No, no, no. Fuck. No._

“Don’t cry, Dan. Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry,” he says, and he can feel his own eyes tearing up as well.

“I’m not sad, Phil. These are happy tears,” Dan pants quickly, and then Phil does start crying, but only from relief. “I'm just so happy.”

“Me, too,” Phil sobs, trying to kiss Dan’s mouth but just kind of getting his chin because he’s a little distracted trying to get his hand wrapped around Dan's dick. He buries his forehead into the crevice between Dan’s shoulder and neck, his hips stuttering once more before mind-numbing pleasure takes over. Dan moans as he clenches around Phil, and then they’re coming together, and Dan is pressing his mouth against the side of Phil’s head as he rides the aftershocks.

“I love you,” Phil whispers again, his heart very full even though he’s very sweaty and very out of breath.

“I love you more,” Dan says, and he brings Phil’s hand up to kiss all his fingers.

___

Phil’s making scrambled eggs when Dan comes up behind him. He wraps his arms around Phil’s waist, holding him against high chest lightly while Phil makes sure the eggs don’t burn. The affection makes him flush and grin like an idiot, which is funny considering that Dan’s dick had been buried in his ass the night before.

“Morning,” Dan sings, pecking him on the cheek and propping his chin on Phil’s shoulder.

“You have morning breath,” Phil laughs, pretend gagging because he likes when Dan tickles Phil’s sides in revenge, unrelenting as he gasps for breath, doubled over in laughter. “You’re the worst!” He turns in Dan’s grasp, running his fingers over the brunette’s neck because he _knows _that little bastard is ticklish as fuck. Dan’s responding snorts of laughter are, like, the best noises Phil has ever heard.

The eggs burn.

___


	20. XX -- epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... here we are. this isn't the longest fic known to man, but it really took a lot out of me to write. in a good way, though. i needed to get the words together. i hope this is a satisfying end to the journey of these two people for all you readers out there. whether you're one of the few people who have been reading this since i the first chapter was posted (yes, i know who you are!) or someone who's going to read this whole thing in one night a year from now, i want to thank you for sharing this experience with me. if you or someone you love experiences anything like what has happened in this story, do not be afraid to get help. i promise you, it can get better, but only if you let it. lots of love.

_one year later_

_..._

_____

Thing’s aren’t perfect. But, as Phil has been slowly learning over that last year, imperfect can be exciting. It’s not like he’s forgotten Tyler, because the scent of mint still makes him flinch, and one time, Dan’s phone had flashed with a call from Tyler Oakley, and Phil had had a complete breakdown without even reading the full name. He doesn’t have to _forget _Tyler, though, to be okay.

Sometimes, Dan forgets though, and he yells, usually about something stupid like missed meetings or missing cereal. And Phil cries. And apologises. And Dan cries. And apologises. But it’s honestly fine, because Phil allowed to cry sometimes. Phil still gets upset during sex sometimes, and then Dan gets upset too. He doesn’t like to be held down, or made to feel like he _has _to have sex, and he doesn’t like dirty talk. Really doesn’t. But that’s actually more than fine, because he discovers that Dan’s _really _into getting praised. Like, _really into it. _And Phil really likes to praise him.

That’s the thing. It’s not perfect, and it’s never going to be perfect. But Phil doesn’t feel like he’s _settling_. Not in the slightest. Dan was not an easy choice, or an easy way out. As natural as it felt to transition from friends to _more, _it was also fucking terrifying. Logically, Phil knows that Dan would never hurt him. But when he gets worked up, he thinks about how he thought he knew that Tyler would never hurt him. There’s no way to know for sure until it happens, but that’s a risk that Phil is just _so _willing to take. It’s terrifying to tell his family, because his dad originally tells Dan to stay away from Phil (even if his mum brings him around later), and Martyn acts all okay with it until he’s alone with his brother. And he asks him about thirty times if he’s _sure _he’s ready. It’s terrifying to hold hands in public, because he’s worried that someone from the internet will see. It’s even _more _terrifying when they eventually come out as boyfriends to everyone, because all the comments are variations on _I knew it,_ and Phil feels like maybe Tyler had a point all that time ago. It’s terrifying. But Phil isn’t going to let fear rule his life anymore.

When Dan says _I love you, _he doesn’t say it like he expects Phil to say anything back. He tosses it casually around, throwing the words over his shoulder before he leaves for the store or before they go to bed. And he _means _it. It’s so different from the way Tyler used _I love you. _Like a weapon. Like leverage. Like something he’s given Phil but could take away at any time. Phil knows now that that wasn’t love.

Love is falling asleep with his glasses on and waking up with them folded neatly on the nightstand because Dan didn’t want them to stretch. Love is going to pay the bill at the restaurant only to find out that Dan had paid it while Phil was using the toilet. Love is kissing with no intention of going further. Love is crying together during the last episode of Parks and Recreation. Love is when Dan reads out loud in the back of the car because they’re _bored, _and Phil can’t do it without getting violently ill. Love is missing each other when they’re apart. As horribly cheesy as it is, love is Dan.

___

Sometimes, Phil will get really quiet. Like, a really reserved, and thoughtful quiet. So, Dan gets really loud to compensate. He goes into overdrive, always making stupid jokes and trying _anything _to get Phil to laugh. Because he’s still _terrified. _

But his own therapist told him that, even though Phil may be a lot better than he was a year ago, he’s never going to completely be the way he used to. He suffered through trauma, and a lot of it, and he’d become a different person because of it. That’s okay, honestly, because Dan somehow loves this new Phil more than he loved Phil before. He’s not all that different. He’s still confident on his own, but a little awkward in front of crowds, and animals still love him. He still smiles with his tongue between his teeth, even if he tries to hide it sometimes. He’s still effortlessly kind. Sure, he gets quiet sometimes, or he gets nightmares. But he’ll talk about it eventually. If not to Dan, then to his therapist. And he gets better. It’s funny, because all those years ago, Phil taught _Dan _how to love himself. He’d never realised that Phil had needed to learn how to do that as well. He does, too. Slowly, but surely, Phil has learned how to love himself. How to put himself first sometimes. You can see it in the way he carries himself; it’s honestly his most attractive quality yet.

___

The first time Phil knows _without a doubt_ that he’s moved on is, ironically, when he sees Tyler next. He’s just out, running some errands. And Tyler is there. Just walking by in the other direction. Phil smiles as he passes, in that polite way you do when you see an old acquaintance in public. He doesn’t scream, or shake, or forget why he’s out in the first place, or even call Dan. He doesn’t even realise what’s happened until he get’s home, collapsing against the door with the surprise of it. It’s not like he’s forgiven the guy, or anything, but he’s not incapacitated by the mere sight or thought of him anymore, and that’s wonderful.

___

Dan and Phil go out on dates sometimes, but not a lot. Mostly for special occasions, or if there’s a movie out that they just really want to see, or if they’ve been holed up in the flat for way too long and just need to get out. It’s a mutual decision, really, because Dan has never really wanted to be around anyone but Phil, and Phil has never really wanted to be around anyone but Dan.

When they do go out, though, it’s really nice. Phil doesn’t have to worry about talking too much to the waiter, or making eye-contact with stranger in passing, because Dan _trusts _Phil and doesn’t get stupid jealous over petty stuff. He doesn’t have to force himself to listen to Dan when he tells stories, and Phil even finds himself talking a mile a minute in the way that Tyler just _hated. _But Dan rests his chin on his hands and listens, just like he always has, making crude jokes yet gently smiling the whole time.

The best nights are still when they stay at home. Like tonight, when they talked about going out for something to eat, but Phil orders Indian food while Dan’s in the shower because he knows the younger just wants to be alone together. It’s not so different than before, really, except that they kiss between mouthfuls of curry and complain about the smell without really caring. And Phil doesn’t drink anymore, not since Ty had drugged him, so Dan doesn’t either even though Phil says it’s okay. They’re sober, but it’s better that way because Phil’s always enjoyed Dan’s company without having to get drunk.

When they finish eating, Dan puts some music on the stereo. It’s a little staticky, but he doesn’t change the station, just keeps the volume low enough that it won’t bother them. And Phil’s sure he never would have done this sober about a year ago, because Dan’s pulling him out of his chair with the softest look on his face, his intentions to dance _very _clear.

They’re not good. Horrible, really, because Dan can be smooth sometimes, but Phil’s always felt like his limbs are too long and gangly for him to properly pilot. They slide around a bit, a danger of moving with socks on hardwood, but it just makes them laugh harder. Dan twirls Phil under his arm, and Phil returns the favour, just lazily spinning and swinging each other around the flat.

“I love you,” Dan chuckles, dipping Phil in a ridiculous maneuver that has all the blood rushing to his cheeks.

“I love you _more,” _Phil says. And he must, because there’s no way another human being could possibly feel as much love as Phil does right now.

“Impossible,” Dan retaliates, and he kisses Phil softly before he can argue.

____

Phil is crying.

He’s sure he’s never cried this hard. Real, fat, ugly tears are streaming down his face with no sign of stopping, and his nose is so clogged up with snot that he can barely breathe. Because Dan is down on one knee, and he’s got a little velvet box, and Phil’s heart is going to burst out of his chest. “You’re honestly the only one for me. I knew it in 2009, and I know it now. I was always willing to wait as long as it took, even if it meant waiting forever, because I don’t want to live my life without you here beside me. Phil, you’re my entire fucking world, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And people have been saying that we’re like a married couple for years now, and I guess we are, but I’d just really like to make it official. I’d really like to marry my best friend, if you’ll have me.”

_I love you, _Phil wants to say._ I love you. I love you._

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he says instead, because Dan already knows that Phil loves him.

“What?” Dan asks, a little choked up but still smiling. “Where are you going?” Phil feels bad, abandoning his boyfriend while the guy is literally in the middle of proposing, but this is just too fucking funny.

“One sec!” he calls, darting into the bedroom and wiping his eyes. He fists around in the wardrobe a bit, just searching blindly. He throws things onto the floor wildly, and he doesn’t care that he’ll have to clean it up later. Why couldn’t he be more organized? _Come on. Where is it?_

_ There!_

“Phil, my legs are staring to cramp up,” Dan says as Phil walks back into the lounge, but then he’s sobbing too, because in Phil’s hand is another little velvet box. “Oh, shit.”

And the two of them are laughing and crying and kissing each other on the floor, tangled up in a big knot. Sure, Phil’s a little peeved that Dan beat him to the punch, but how can he really be mad. How could he be mad when he’s got this perfect man in front of him, willing to spend the rest of their lives together. This man who’s given up so much for Phil, had stayed by his side when things were at their worst.

“I had this whole thing planned,” Phil groans, “It was going to be so romantic.”

“That’s gross,” Dan says, his wobbly with emotion.

They’re still sat on the floor, hopelessly woven together, and it’s definitely not the situation Phil would have thought he’d be in when this happened. His hands fumble as he plucks the band out of the box, but they’re steady as he slides it onto Dan’s finger. He’s looking at his own ring, studying the way the light reflects off of it, when Dan wraps him in another hug, placing sloppy kisses up the side of his face. Phil leans back into the embrace, closing his eyes and letting a smile so broad that it _hurts _spread across his face. Maybe not the situation he’d thought they’d be in, but really, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

“I love you,” Dan says into Phil’s hair.

“I love you, too,” Phil says, and the _because _of it all doesn’t really matter .

…

_Phil?_

_ …_

_ I’m a little busy._

_ I just wanted to let you know that I’m really happy._

_ …_

_ Me too._

_ …_

_____


End file.
